Make it hard

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Amadeus Amadeus...Ah-ma-DEUS.

Well, as you might guess, Amadeus was not particularly liked by his peers, and he probably got to have a lot more sex than he was supposed to have and he probably didn't die of old age, despite people thinking that maybe he might.  

In truth, most of what is best about humanity is that people can become excellent either with the help of others or with the help of noone.  It's all about contracts.  You know, my intellect is starting to falter.  I used to say incredibly insightful things and now I feel it slipping.  I get the impression, perhaps from TV, that I am no longer inspiring people.  It's nice that I don't have the daily disturbances that I used to but it also seems that I have crossed over into an era where I am just supposed to go back to work... as though I could just forget all that happened and not warn people of it.  And if I DO go back to work, would I be safe to conduct business without annoyance?  I can't even get to the gas station sometimes without annoyance.  And the worst part is wondering if anyone even noticed that I took a blow for the team, that I suffered so that others would not have to?  

It reminds me of that part in Edge of Tomorrow, where Tom Cruise is at the bar, they're asking him if he should be out there fighting, he says that he's usually "dead by now" and laughs... and for that he gets called a COWARD.  

Somewhere out there there is someone that thinks I got what I deserved... perhaps a whole lot of people... and perhaps still many others think I deserve more punishment but WAY BACK HERE is what I deserve.   They are all mistaken.  Any wrongs I have EVER done were responses and not the acts of an addict, or of someone who enjoys attacking.  

Hmmf. 

I still ponder about my physical condition.  Since ceasing from work I can scarcely move a couch without getting winded.  I need to work out some.  In a similar vein, I have to get ready to do office work intellectually.  I have to first get enough RAM to handle Windows 7 then I have to buy the program then I have to buy Office and THEN, after mastering it, can I say I am adept at office work again.  

You can probably tell I do this alot.  Especially when it comes to women.  I put the things I need to accomplish, like losing weight, saving up enough money, visiting Disneyland or whatever amazing dating spot I think I will take her on, and then I just stand up... and sit down.  

It's sort of the same thing with friends.  I impress them, and then I anger them, then they get I dunno, scared for some reason.  I don't like long-term friends.  It makes me uncomfortable to be duo-friendly with some people and use them for the sake of finding a girl... that I am THEN going to replace them with.  It's hypocrisy.  Still, I expect them to help sell me to someone great and after say FIVE YEARS... I might get tired of those useless friends.  

Of course maybe they all do whores in which case that makes ME the idiot that can't see the nose in front of his face.  

Well, now that I have spent plenty of time alone, I guess it's time to try something new this time, like NO friends.  Of course, the first thing that is going to happen is I am going to appear anti-social and there go my chances of replacing my friends with a love interest.  

I know, I make it so hard.