The Nword

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

I have a picture of Gillian as a shortcut on my wallpaper but no longer AS my wallpaper.  My wallpaper at the moment(atm) is a picture of a jet pilot that is averting a missile that you can see out of his window passing him by.  It reminds me of me... as though I have averted a missile and perhaps maybe a WHOLE LOT of people have averted a missile.  But if you look closer, it looks like he is firing that missile from his own plane which now makes the picture not as amazing as I once thought.  

I just remembered the movie Collateral again.  In the hospital the lady is telling Cruise that Foxx liked to talk to hisself and that "it's unhealthy".  Now, I say that to myself a lot when I do weird stuff that people can see is weird.  For example, I just opened up that shortcut with a big huge picture of Gillian Anderson's face looking up at you from a leaned back position... and it kind of sends you chills.  I mean DAYUM she's good looking.  Of course the picture has her with red hair and now that she sports the blonde, don't ask me why, it's not so good looking to me.  But the picture, hoo, wee.  I kept putting the Task Manager in front of it(since it is always on top) and then removing it, like a sort of Peek-A-Boo, and after a while I was like... "it's unhealthy", lol. 

So Deep Space Nine is getting a lot better fast now that I have engaged the "brand" of their characters.  I still despise Quark but he's not as ODIOUS as he was at first.  Oh and btw Happy Father's Day to every father out there.  We just had a nice two weekends of lauding my father.  We really would have much less things if he weren't there to pick up the slack.  There are times that I wonder if we were always meant to be this family like this the way we are or if we got lucky somewhere along the way because of his persistence.  And the story is not done though for me sometimes it feels like it is.  We have plenty of time to plan for when my parents will be in hospital and I wonder at that but since I don't have a job I don't expect to be able to care for them and yet I feel that despite my many years of suffering at the hands of HATERS, that I perhaps have a lot of suffering left to do once they become old and I am forced to care for them somehow.  

I made the pledge long ago that I would be the one to care for them in their old age and to some degree that has shaped who I have become.  Since that is true, there is no use for me to buy a house of my own for example.  Having my own apartments for several years I realized that I was too domestic be out on my own for example.  My plan, to retire and live a life of leisure at the bar while investing my saved up money has backfired.  After several "ghosts" harassed me for years and made my life at work difficult and then my life at the bar difficult and then my life POST-DUI arrest difficult, I have used up my money and now I feel that I won't be allowed to earn any more of it.  But more than that, I feel that I don't have the energy to look for work.  Several check boxes that I need to fill, like a new computer and resume and word processor and perhaps CAR are many months away from being fulfilled.  I have to BELIEVE also that those efforts will be rewarded and at the moment, indeed for some time, I have felt that they would not be rewarded.  

Fact is, I have wanted to feel free since that movie came out, umm, I forgot the name of it with Zac Snyder and Emily(?) Browning or something or other.  It had such awesome music and wonderful themes that it made it seem like I was living the movie while I was watching it.  It was unreal.   

Well, nothing coherent to talk about today I guess.  I watched a Life of Crime and tried to find Jennifer Prediger in it but couldn't.  I got to the end of it and it was boring but suddenly I realized that this movie was also sort of like my life where I was asleep and a whole bunch of troglodytes are all buzzing around trying to take my money or THE money any way they know how.  I guess it's better not to have any money.  

I remember my atm card sometimes having odd transactions on it and wondering if I actually made all of those withdrawals.  Later, I guess I have said this already, my phone got used up for $100 even though I didn't make any calls and when I called up to complain months later after not using the phone for months, they didn't have the records that far back which is sort of like what happened to my unemployment checks eligibility.  I waited too long and now I can't get them and didn't get them.  

It's strange about Twitter.  I wonder about cursing on it since it is a public communications device and therefore I wonder about whether people should ALL be allowed to curse on it or if everyone should have that restricted.  

Someone had said that the President was weak and I took offense to that and tweeted out my own "relevant" statement with the appropriate expletive attached.  So if I am guilty of insult, it was a response to an insult.  

The President used Nigger also recently in a radio show.  The whole idea of a forbidden word, is anti-American.  Surely saying such and such is THIS or such and such is THAT is plenty insulting without making the use of a "forbidden word" mean curtains for people.  I can say this guy acts like a nigger and he might not be black.  In fact, you might think to yourself that ME and myself act like a nigger for not putting some people in JAIL that deserve it... lol, so there.  That doesn't make me black or even imply that I am black, it means that I won't rise up despite some ridiculous contract that compels me to work for someone else when I would rather not.  And pointedly, nigger CAN be used to offend someone even if they are not present.  Such and such is a nigger PLAINLY tells you I am insulting him and that use of it should be forbidden or COST something but that's because it is hatred.  I DESPISE said person and instead of spelling out what I dislike about him, I just pour a little bit of hatred into someone else's head.  

That's the part that should be rendered in a court somewhere.  I don't pass around my day talking about others, except maybe my ex-brother-in-law who cheated on my sister with my cousin, because then my heart would not want to build.  Even so, when I "try" to talk about him, it feels wrong because in fact I don't reserve hatred for him.  He took good care of my sister and he provided so many people with so much for so little, that it feels like we got a good deal for what we paid when it comes to him.  And I have to say, that falling for women who throw themselves at you... I can resemble that remark.  I wouldn't like it to happen to me and my wife but I would understand it if it did because ... well because it happened to me before and the LAW expects you to understand it... or go to jail.  

You can't choose for others.  

Ok so enough odd thoughts for today.  Nword aside and Sword aside, we have got a lot done recently.  For some reason my spine is beginning to twist to one side, maybe because I lean to the right on my chair or maybe because I lean up to the right when I watch TV from the bed but... "it's un-healthy."