Hope is for poets

BLM:75 WHM:74 SMN:47 THF:75 WAR:61 RNG:44

I wrote something to myself earlier this week in my little post its. I keep writing to myself in an effort to keep myself from believing that I am a Paladin in hell. Hope but don't expect. It's funny but the more I expect stuff to be true the weaker I am to it being false. The more afraid I am of it changing and as a point of pleasure would rather it not be true. As such, love for me is doomed to failure if I don't actually hope for it. But am too much of an intellectual to leave things like that to chance. Just the other night this girl I know, right out of the blue pulls me over to leave the bar with her and I am thinking to myself, finally, some guts. But what we ended up doing was going into a limo with some people I had never seen before. Well, I wasn't about to go off with people I didn't know! I may be a man but I run with chicken legs! Had I talked to them all night like she did, I might have trusted them more but I barely got to talk to her at all so I was completely surprised by this. I know what you guys are thinking, "what were you expecting Mr. Hohito?" Well as always, I expect to go off somewhere and talk some more even if there is no hookup or whatever. But this was too much for me.

The next time I saw her she was in clearly a different mood and I doubt we will talk very often from now on.

But that's part of my problem, I like to expect things too much. I like to pre-determine. I like to pay for it. DOH! Well, not exactly but I do like to have things easy to understand. If I was high on power and ruthlessness I might like to try this or that with people's feelings but I have always regarded my charisma with some sense of responsibility. So as a rule, I don't jack off with people.

My schedule is changing and now I am going to work full-time again. This means that all hope of going off to Law School or whatnot, which was the reason for my going part-time, is up in smoke. Not only that, I am going to work nights. Nights is when the losers work. If you ever find yourself in the corporate world, and you are ambitious, don't ever work nights. I need to though cuz I have turned into a slob. I am so fat and sensitive and miserable and underslept and drunk all of the time that if I don't get productive soon, I may never have children or even have sex again and that of course that is the meaning of life.