Silly girl

BLM:90 WHM:90 SMN:90 THF:90 WAR:90 DRK:90 RNG:90 PLD:90

One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was to lose weight.  I can tell when I am eating more than normal because I pay attention to it and it takes some effort somewhat... to stuff myself.  

Losing weight, however, is totally different.  You have to jog and stretch and work on your posture and you might even start to drink Apple Juice like I do.  It has the amazing ability of taking away hunger as long as you are busy.  Try this at work and if you have a glass of apple juice to sip on, you won't get hungry all day long and the pounds will come off after about a week of this.  It's stressful though but it works like magic as long as you understand how it's working and that it's not really magic because it sucks to drink just apple juice.

I am focused on SECupp today.  She wrote an article about the struggles of losing weight.  Obviously, some people are predispositioned to having good metabolism and others... not so much.  But if there is one thing I learned from my years of being a lousy singer at karaoke is this... improvement happens eventually.  

My sister has huge boobs and that makes her predisposed to being fatter than say women with smaller boobs.  I would always wonder how she stayed so fit being only like 5'5" or so. But when she wants to be good looking, she gets there.  And not just a little I mean I look at some of the old pictures of when she was 30 something and I wonder if that was really her all those years at my side at the bar.  

It was.   

But I realize also that not being a man is doubly tough for a girl since they can't sweat off the pounds like a man can.  I can be in shape in less than a couple of weeks I think but currently figuring out "why do it" is my main concern since I have COPD or something and a stomach problem that I don't trust doctors to fix without screwing it up like they did the last time.

One day I will tell you my big secret... well one of them.

So losing weight for me means exerting more energy and doing that makes all of those physical problems speak at me more.  So since I have had so much experience going up and down in weight, it has to be clear why I am doing it, and right now it isn't.

In Black Swan, I don't know if I told you this but that movie is about me, Natalie Portman does about as good a job as someone can do.  I have watched the movie more than 10 times and can probably recite the lines.  To be a ballet star, (like one guy said recently on TV "all artists are vain") you depend on the attention of others.  Like the star, I would do a good job working and then go out to karaoke bars and bask in the attention or lack thereof of the audience.   Some songs I did well, others not so much.

DREAM ON... AAAaaaAAAaaAAAAaaAAAAaaaAAAAAhh!

I often messed that one up by Aerosmith but sometimes I got it right though it was rare.  But like ballet it was all in the practice and the knowledge.  I knew wonton soup helped.  I knew practicing in the car helped.  I knew that knowing the words helped despite being an incredible sloth when it comes to memorizing the words.  But eventually I became great at it and then others approved... and then they approved a whole lot.

But in the movie she was great because her mother was so strict with her yeah, and then when she realized she could have not only her mother's approval, but mass appeal, that was like an upgrade right?  RIGHT?  (no.)  But it felt that way because of the obvious respect she was commanding so she started to upgrade her MOTHER for the teacher who KNEW SO MUCH.  But the reality is he was a puppetmaster much like drug dealers are with their squibs, the approval is just food for what you need which is unrealistic and imaginary next to what your mother is providing which is REAL approval.

Remember that dark people work in groups, so that mass appeal you may be generating may be "artificial" and magical.  
Yet, you feel stronger despite that warning in your head.  The world is ordered, it is not false, the world needs attraction and effort, MY EFFORT, so much of it that I am giving surely is enough to really MATTER to the world as I give my all and receive some small kudos in return.  

Surely the world OWES me, after all that I have given to it.

Slowly, your image in the mirror changes.  As you become more insistent, more independant, and more self-determined, you believe that all of these people talking to me must be willing to do what I say.  

Mila Kunis was a great choice for the dark role she played as the purveyor of good times possibly as a handler which is used MORE often than you might think in a performer's circle.  It was her job to drug her, talk to her, incite her, and control her if at all possible which is impossible at first but gets easier as time goes on because ALL PEOPLE begin to allow people they know to do what they want which usually involves weakening themselves to a "handler's poison" which can be turned on or off as the situation requires for some higher up.  And this is what she feared in the movie, that her boss was secretly hooking up with her "friend" but what was really happening is a simple "handler's" spell that gave the boss what he needed to know since his WHOLE SHOW depended on the one girl.

I have said this before, secrets are the source of ALL VIOLENCE in the world.  As the movie progresses, she loses her grip and starts to wonder not if Mila wants to drug her to make her feel better, to make her prefer her to other people (which is her job as a handler), but she wonders if this PURPOSE is to take over her part in the show which is the nature of darkness and secrets.  The old switcheroo that happens as we take what we don't know and instantly subsitute it for the worst possible scenario in our heads which now has to be defended against.

Is it any wonder the NSA is so terrifying to people?  What if drones accidentally fire a missile up my dog's ass?  What is they saw me steal that parking spot and then come after my job?  Yeah the example's of possible blackmail abound.

So as she starts to unravel, you see her good side struggle, trying to heal herself while her dark side makes definite choices about completing her purpose and being true to her fantasy of being the best. and because she is drugged she loses her grip.  Drugs are the only way we can disconnect from sanity and once you taste it, you may like it.  That's why people say it's better not to try drugs and stuff because it's a loss of innocence.  It can't be replaced once it's lost.  Same thing goes with being a good person, you can't be bad if you don't stray from the path(follow the yellow brick road), but once you do, switcheroo is possible.  Many people can see you are off the path and replacing your need with their need becomes possible.

That's why children should not see any evil.  They are immune to dark thoughts if you shield them from it, thereby allowing them a MUCH better chance at being trusted as an adult.  Only trustworthy people succeed in the world.  You should want this for your child and therefore, you should want your child exposed to as little chaos as possible.

When you see people calling other people spring chicken or even name-calling in general, you should say to yourself, "there goes a man that will NEVER be king".  Only by being as naive as possible, can you inspire the HIGHEST level of trust.  And if you try to fool people, hahahaha, well...

"it's not nice to fool mother nature. " This means, I'M gonna know! 

So the movie ends with her trying to make the show perfect, by trying to put out the flames while everyone was running, by sacrificing herself for the sake of her admirers... even though they were "jus playin'" and the boss and the dancers didn't really NEED the show to be all that good.  

Silly little girl.  

ps.  Completely unrelated message is that if Jesus were here... there would be no money.