How I used to feel

BLM:90 WHM:90 SMN:90 THF:90 WAR:90 DRK:90 RNG:90 PLD:90

I have a problem. My sister is caring for her boyfriend that is dying from cancer. She is quite the trooper but to suffer this experience is one that I would not wish on anyone.

I have a message for him if he is reading this blog as I recommended that he do. I am now going to tell you a real life story of an amazing man that was, that is, by BFF(best friend forever).

Once there was a guy that did everything I did. He had a cute little sister like I did, he was Catholic, not like me I'm Baptist but had a VERY religious family, for Catholics. They went to church every Sunday. Since he was always RULING his little sister, much like I ruled mine, he was the righteous one, while she was the mischievous one(reminds you of THOR and LOKI doesn't it) in much the way I was towards my little sister growing up.

Anyways, let's fast forward to the accident before this turns into a LIFE story. My friend had an mean temper, much like I did. In fact, I half wonder if it was because of ME that he got... what he got.

He once found his car broken into, with his windshield smashed and all of his CDs in his CD bag stolen and he totally lost it. But what could he do? They were just gone. Still another time he saw some people breaking into his car at the mall and he totally challenged them, at which point they attacked him and kicked his head to the point of causing 3 skull fractures.

When I was told about it, he was in a COMA with little chance of coming out of it. I remember seeing him, wondering how this could have happened literally overnight from the last time I saw him.

Some time later, he came out of the coma, but much of his body had atrophied to the point that his thighs were the size of my wrists. It was a confusing time for me.

It was strange that soon after this happened, DOCKSIDES closed down. This was the bar we frequented at the time.

I tried to help him to some degree. I showed up several times just to talk to him. I once had to wipe his butt but he was so fragile, it was like he was my child.

At some point, I showed up with a SCRABBLE board. It was a refined board with all the extras. It had little plastic ridges to keep the tiles in place. It has heavy duty tile holders. It even had a revolving table thingy to make moving the board to see the words, easy to do. As we played, over time, we talked to each other and I noted that his voice was different from what it was. It was more nasal, more tepid as it were.

After a while, me being the ALPHA that I am, I willed him to speak like me. I wanted him to talk like his old self. He was talking so ODD that I sounded my voice differently and since he looked up to me, he tried.

HE TRIED.

He tried and tried and tried. I was so bull-headed that I willed him to continue trying until he finally YELLED out, completely aghast. I had pushed him too far and my BELIEF that he could fix himself was ... simply mistaken.

I had never had this happen to me before. I thought ALL things were possible at that point and I was... proven wrong. I was calm and resentful and confused.

This is the lesson I want to give to my sister's boyfriend. He may BELIEVE that he is broken like my BFF was. He may think that he will never speak the way he once did or be healthy like he once was.

He is in bad shape, I grant you. If I sat there and WILLED him to health, I might have ANOTHER disappointment happen to me that anyone else would not feel, but that I would feel because I always WIN if I will it bad enough.

At least that's how I used to feel.

But on the upside, my friend has since recovered all of his weight and a great deal of his mobility. The accident happened more than 15 years ago. He can drive himself and gets paid an annuity to survive on and his parents have their son alive that they can visit. The mall now has security on watch full-time.

Inspiring hope by simply existing or simply surviving... helps others. If you can't beat the disease, the flesh-eating disease that chomps your spirit at the turn of a mirror... you can at least defend yourself, ball yourself up, calm yourself and your psyche enough to outlast the onslaught of a ROGUE disease.