The fire within

BLM:90 WHM:90 SMN:90 THF:90 WAR:90 DRK:90 RNG:90 PLD:90

"It's the difference between being a soldier and a soul-Jah!"

So keeping up with Kate Beckinsale always gets my blood pumping. Yesterday I again watched Total Recall, the second one, and you have to give it to the director, he makes her look good. In fact she looks so good, even Jessica Biel must be like "damn she fine!"

And whatdayaknow, no BOOB job.  

I had this waking dream of being with her in some huge NYC apartment with probably the entire floor bought and paid for, with the movie playing in the background, the computer loaded up with the movie's earnings on a big screen, with the production company's offers listed on another screen, and with that part of the movie playing her scene over and over again...

"did you really expect someone like me, to be with someone like you... and live in this shithole"

That's reality. So kudos to her man, can't wait to see MORE pictures of your wife. (so wrong)

And worse than that is seeing her in her early movies playing some twat that NO ONE can be with and I wonder at reality, inasmuch as maybe I have missed out of doing what was "right".

I am watching the Last Samurai again. It always takes me back to a more "righteous" era in my life. As I wonder at its practices, I understand more about chances. About what it means to be prisoner and to be a warrior. What it means to out-suffer your sufferers. If they be just men, then they suffer even as you do.

If they do not suffer, they are not JUST men and are worthy of a reckoning.

I WILL NOT FOLLOW EVIL MEN INTO BATTLE.

So I wait until my jailkeepers end their siege. I am saving bits of proof along the way because just like in games where you take too many risks without saving, I cannot take too many hits without losing my resolve, or my good nature. I am beset by attackers that may be aligned to old "friends" of mine who feel betrayed because I left them. But I was loyal to them, so it is POSSIBLE I am beset by enemies that simply feel I am a betrayer because they don't know the whole story.

Or it is possible the actual government is attacking me because both of these groups have complained and labeled me as an undesirable. As such, I am met everywhere with looks of internment, of blosseniousness, of Chadwick.  

I am not prisoner but simply being disliked IS imprisonment. 

In days past I was an applauded karaoke performer, slightly afforded some respect if only for my FREE efforts at attracting audiences, which was good for business. I am always for doing this. But now it seems my mishap at a certain drive-thru has become common knowledge and with that, normal people that know nothing about me, can add their ACTS of disrespect to the many acts of these others who attack me from secret simply because they also want to see me suffer.

But I absorb it all, in another movie Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon or whatever, I learned that people pay teachers MONEY for lessons that make them better men.  (After she had bested the hero and took his sword, our "poisoned dragon" is sought out by many who, in the name of earning a lesson, harass her until she fights.}  And usually that means a great deal of EFFORT from the teacher and a lot of suffering from the student. So if I use this LESSON and call it one of the MOST expensive lessons imaginable, then I can ying/yang my exile into something of a sabbatical.

And more importantly, I can wonder at my usefulness clearly now. I used to wonder if I was past my prime since women were mostly taken and I was unable to take someone else's. But now I view the TAKING as something that may be normal. I am learning about TAKING.

Nothing can be labeled taken, if it was freely given.

Still another movie The Road gave me an apocryphal message in keeping the fire. What is this fire? Fire to me is clearly evil and anything that burns is poisoned and losing it's value, but to have something inside that burns, is like an engine. You must feed the engine and let the engine in turn, feed the world. This is the value of fire.

This is the meaning of hope.