Look at how cute she is

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

The problem with attraction is the intensity dial.  Remember my article regarding Star Trek The Original Series(TOS)?  The episode of Dagger of the Mind?  

Here goes the on and off knob and over here goes the intensity knob. 

It's not a very hard job is it?  Don't need to know history or math to know how to work a knob.  I wonder if this is what they mean by HOB-knobbing the crowd?  

I am attracted to SarahK.  It's unhealthy.  She's like a millionaire and I'm broke. And though I don't believe in "being in love" with someone you haven't even kissed, I believe I am addicted to talking/tweeting her.  And she never responds but I still just can't wait for her to say something, so that I can respond.  

It's very one-sided I am realizing...  

When using Twitter, I used to go do some reading and tweet responses to articles that I can't afford to subscribe to and then take the same amount of time (like 10 minutes) to compose an incisive tweet in response to her comedy.  But it's out of control now.  I follow so many people now that I just page down to her and Megan's posts and compose those tweets.  It's like I have stopped caring about the world, lol. So it's gotta stop.  I might have to just unfollow some people that I don't ever read but I have to get more focused to maintain my balanced outlook.  I have to sever the ties with her... slowly I guess.   

I was explaining my theory on slow to my mother the other day.  I had just returned from the movie theater.  Someone was following me again, with their sub-lights on, and I lost my cool.  I was angry and then I was ashamed and then I explained to her why it is taking me so long to start to look for work.   I was harassed at work by people and they used that "intensity" to really grate down my calm.  But over time, some of that calm has returned and it's going to take more time to get most of it back, but I feel there are powers out there that don't want me to get it all back.  People "sent" by someone.   And the more it continues to happen, the more I need to speak to law enforcement about harassment.  

It's not hard.  

But as I was telling her, I have to do things slow.  Because if I go too fast, the reaction time will also be fast.  People may start to cacophonize my every move and if I am not "calm" enough yet, I may act to defend myself "inappropriately".  

I am the equal of any man.  I am as attractive and as intelligent but  maybe not as subversive yet I consider that a strength in the long run.  It's not surprising I think that I pick someone amazing and start to talk to them, confidently.  The only thing that can happen is that I IMPROVE their lives because I am a great man.  

At the bar this would happen on occasion but ALWAYS they would have boyfriends.  Part of me wonders if it was just my rotten luck or if maybe I REALLY AM the only one that thinks I'm attractive.  Maybe ALL of these people know my secrets and already considered me someone on the way out?  How much more could I do to attract someone than stand there singing my heart out to applause?   Perhaps THAT was part of the problem?  

One time, a while back in downtown Jacksonville, I was at my best.  I was singing Karaoke to resounding applause.  The room had noise filters on the roof, a grand piano on the side and a projector projecting the words to a HUGE wall.  I had showed interest at a waitress and wanted to go out with her but she was always taken it seemed.  This was at an older restaurant/bar where I was an even BIGGER hit but was less skilled at singing back then.  

At the new place she was dating the owner and probably still harbored attraction for me not the least of which was because I was actually able to sing most things well and had practiced them plenty and really only did songs that I could do well instead of what I had done in the past was to do NEW stuff which always came out dry and without substance.  

Me singing new stuff instead of stuff I practiced was like Ezra Klein filling in for Alex Wagner.  I mean noone watching TV can tell the difference or know why there is a difference, but people in the business KNOW.  And it was a good exercise because without the new guy out there giving it his all without really being able to compare we would not have appreciation for the old pros.  

Wow, I just called Alex an old PRO... what PLANET is this?

This reminds me of SarahK next to Bill Maher.  She's funny but next to him on his show you can tell who is completely in their element, and who is less so.  

Ok sidetracked, so the waitress was serving drinks as a bartender now, (Upgrade!) and was watching me build up a clientele for her boss regularly then one day as they were all clapping after my performance I go right to the bar and order a drink and she says...

"you really think you're hot stuff dontcha?"  

So if the attraction is not returned, then my IMPROVEMENT is not improvement at all, it's NOT-improvement and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  Especially after having been harassed like I was harassed. 

But the fact is I am famous to the locals.  It's true.  I have spent 20 years out performing in the clubs much like SarahK has done.  And you are probably wondering where my millions of followers are.  They're out there.  The TRUTH is out there.  I may not have millions but when it comes to the night life, most facts are duplicitous...  meaning her followers probably aren't ALL real followers and that I probably have FAR MORE supporters than people generally believe.  

And no I don't believe demons are following me around making me do crazy things, those are people, just regular people with nothing better to do, who are like me.  Maybe they are attracted to me?  The other day one guy started beeping his horn as he drove by and I was like HEY that's not creepy at all!  I realized for a brief moment what it was like to get applauded and it felt good.  

So I'm sorry SarahK if my not-improvement is cumbersome...  I'm not going to tweet you for awhile... unless you say something extremely funny... ah forget it, you can't stay mad at me... wait is that backwards?  

DUCK season!  FIRE! 

PS. Remember that these are pseu- pseu- pseudio- jabs.  It's better for the show and really if we ever sat down next to each other, reality would be a totally different thing. Doesn't mean I didn't have some sad thoughts last night but again dreams are not reality.