Stand under

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

I still exist.  

I was thinking back to that movie What Dreams May Come again and I was also thinking about Alex.  I wonder if it's time to stop watching her show.  I feel like I am "haunting" her and Rachel sometimes, and as such it's like Mork hugging the girl at the grave... then listening to her scream.  

It's sad, it's frightening, and it's creepy.  

I can't tell you how many times I watched the movie.  In some long forgotten dream, like in this movie, I was determined enough to stay the course I started to medical school but in reality I failed out.  I even got a glimpse of my daughter in that movie who looked very much like a certain girl that I was quite fond of at the time.  She was my best friend's sister.  Like my sister, she did quite well for herself and left us two older brothers kind of second rate but still proud of our sisters.  

So I guess I have to do what they say to do in the movie and that is to stop hurting her I have to stop communicating.  The harder I try to be likable and witty the more I bomb them with emotion.  Like so many other times in my life I guess I have used up my friends.  It's quite a paralyzing thing to realize that you might be a wraith.  A parasite.  Maybe I get attracted to really happy people and then wait for them to work for me or something.  I hope not.  I am not doing it consciously if I am.  

So no more 4pm dinners for me.  I've sort of stopped watching Rachel too though maybe it's wearing off because of my inability to watch Bill Maher.  I had a nice buzz going for a while there but now it seems I just... I'm not funny anymore yeah?  

I just got finished watching Cake again.  That's probably not the least bit of reason for my "self-loathing" mood but you know what?  I don't loath myself.  I have taken the hit for a great many people by just keeping still and waiting for all the hatred poured on me to end and then wear off.  The hatred has ended.  And if it doesn't wear off well then... I am just going to have to start REPORTING it.  

I was watching CNN today and it's funny that I heard this fat lady claim that word on the "street" was that LA was looking to host the Olympics.  You know I am not too sharp sometimes.  Some of my friends might dislike me to my face or thumb carotid artery slightly too hard or "shoulder" my adam's apple when we hug, (yeah that happened) and I might be too stupid to get that that was hatred and I was treating it as a joke when it was real but I am not too dumb to realize I am watching a FAT person on TV or when I watch JOURNALISTS embrace gossip and then report it.  When I watch TV, I expect to see someone I want my children to aspire to be.  Someone honest, good-looking, and well kept.  If they work in their jeans like RACHEL... well, I guess getting your Ph'D allows you some faults but for the most part I want role models there and I want to be able to say this and this and such and such went here and blah blah blah ... oh great now it's MY turn to gossip.  

Now's not a good time to tell you a story about our local newscaster Donna Hicken is it? Me and my siblings and wife were talking about cheating on wives and it was another round of talk about Angelina and Brad and Jen.  I guess you all know Brad and Jen were married and then Angelina slept with him.  But they told me that she did that to Billy Bob Thornton and that Laura(?) Dern girl. It's not even funny because that's what I did to my first girlfriend is sleep with her while she was married.  So I defended Angelina for a moment saying that it's not selfish and slutty if you marry the guy which is sort of what I did with my girl except that it lasted 3 years and then it was over.  And just now I am remembering that it happened to my sister but that the "friend" that she despised actually married my sister's ex, so I guess it's not like he was a complete liar or scumbag.  Marriages should be short anyways, especially for young couples but that's my perspective.  After my first girlfriend which I gave up to FIND that someone special that has NEVER shown up, I thought I should just wait until the girl I wanted was single.  I had faith in breakups.  In my eyes, I was rooting for failure which in hindsight now seems just a little bit evil but HEY... that's not my call.  I was just waiting.  I was making it obvious that I was waiting in the wings since most good-looking girls already have boyfriends and since I wasn't going to be having TEMP girlfriends that I could dump if one of the fine ones suddenly became available, I resolved to just hold out and be single until they did become single and I could ask them out.  This turned out to last quite a long time and now, as I sit here wondering why they never left their boyfriends, I kind of wonder if they were whores... just saying.  I mean I was waiting quite a long time.  Maybe their lifelong boyfriends and husbands were pimps?  My sister has told me several times that her friends don't find me sexy and to be honest, I wonder what I am missing or WAS missing.  Now I am fat.  I will be the first to admit that I spend my time eating and that NO WAY am I a role model at all.  I don't belong anywhere NEAR a TV and by that standard I judge others.   Well, enough self-loathing yeah?  It was in there.  

Stand for something... why? 

PS.  My other computer is shut down so no pictures for now, until I get my old computer back.