January 2019

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Something

It's very difficult to write every day.  I started to have little trouble with it but it has become very tiresome now.  Ok so, after looking it up on G0ogle, as I expected the use of Wormwood(after looking it up) was indirectly derisive.  The Screwtape Letters explains how this occurs at length and one day I will have to read that novel.  

So today is January 2018.  I did misstate that I had a new computer in May 2018.  My excellent computer actually went kaput and I was forced to use my mother's computer, which is what I have used ever since.  

I've noticed that I posted a video of a song that I first heard in May 2019 called "Never Enough".  Me and my sister went to a party with my brother and she introduced it to me as one of her favorites in her car.  The first incident had happened and I was still "repressing" my hatred at the time so that means I didn't blow up on her the second time until after that party, several months after, so the timeline is kind of screwed up.   

At that party, since I can't think of anything that happened in January, my siblings confided in me some terrible feelings they had for my father... OUR father, and sure he spent a lot of time out to sea, semi-abandoning us and having little love for our NEEDY hearts when we performed less than adequate schoolwise.  My younger self did everything for my father as did my siblings and we were starved for affection most of the time and since my mother was extra mean (as the sole disciplinarian) and since he had the money and we had nothing but a good time when he got home chock FULL of money to spend on going out, we all LOVED our father overmuch and took his sentiments to heart when we were bad.  That was weird for us but we were never violent to each other and even though we constantly yelled growing up, that behavior all but stopped once we were adults.  

My brother was the kindest one of us all.  He was always stuck in the middle, with me trying to protect him, and my sister trying to get him to do stuff.  I did bully them perhaps into doing what was right.  They spent a lot of time resisting that, most especially my sister who I never got along with growing up but who was always rebellious, most especially after puberty.  Still, after she was sent away for a time and much later after she had her child and divorced her first husband, I sought to use her to get myself a girlfriend.  She is my sister after all and one thing is for sure, my two siblings are FAR and AWAY more impressive than the rest of people.  Maybe that's arrogant or something but frankly I start quoting movies and no one else cares.  I start explaining astronomy and no one else cares.  I go into trigonometric substitution as one of several methods of performing calculus... hah, I gotcha, they probably wouldn't care about that.  

But those days are over.  They are different to me now. 

Long ago, it was a sad day when my father's mother died.  She lived in New Orleans, instead of Honduras, and most of my father's side of the family out of adoration for her congregated for Christmas in her honor, but also out of respect for the family.  And that all ended when she died.  There were no more Christmas parties.  The family separated into favorites and people we never see.  And then one day we moved away.  Which was nice since we NEEDED to move away, but there was a LOT they provided that we no longer had in the form of safety from rumors.  

And now it's happening again. Those two are totally different to me after Dad died.  It's like someone took their leash off.  My brother likes to slightly disrespect my mother sometimes now, not at all like his former self and it's something that started with his wife doing it first.  

Well, this had nothing to do with January but hey, my mother's birthday is in January so "for once, then, something".