Hairlip

BLM:90 WHM:90 SMN:90 THF:90 WAR:90 DRK:90 RNG:90 PLD:90

So I just postponed my updates for 10min and while in the middle of writing this blog, it closed my session. Thanks Windows.

SO STUPID!

(edit: ok so the draft was saved somehow, I just found it)

I was watching MSNBC and there is a commercial running about kids that have a cleft lip and it asks you to send money to have that repaired as a charity. Good idea.

But it reminded me of this girl that had a "hairlip" as they called it and I used to look at her and think hmm pretty good looking, except for the hairlip. Her body was fantastically thin and lithe with unnaturally large boobs which were common for 19 year olds at the time and I remember having an intimate conversation with her one time about sex.

A lot of those old conversations have new meaning to me now that I wonder about people gossiping and what they must have been thinking oh so many times as they tried to lure me to do "questionable" things. It occurs to me now that this happened all throughout my life with me doing what was expected which was to not take the bait.

This conversation with this girl, who is really good-looking and fine except for this hairlip goes to a personal confidence she shares with me about having had sex with a guy. This shocks me and excites me too since I was in a Baptist college and generally people there got married before sex. I told her my true feelings which were that she should wait and I told her that meh, I would have had the sex also but it never occurred to me that maybe she was sizing ME up for sex (though probably we were both thinking it). 

But I have a MUCH different view of ugly now. People that are ugly, or have a mark, are treated as such. They catch hell and then they gotta shell it out to survive. So remembering how many of the guys called her "hairlip", even though I never did, makes me wonder if she was trying to find out if I would have sex before marriage, which of course allows her to go back to tell all the girls to ruin my reputation. Hmmm. And that makes it one step closer to getting ME to sleep with her. Hmmm. Yeah, a lot of lights going on lately about disloyal people that I didn't treat as such.

But maybe not, right? Maybe she got tired of me not noticing her all the time (even though I was attracted to her) and finally "manned up" and made her feelings known the best she could?  Who knows.  

I was no saint though. I had already slept with a girl before going off to college and was spilling my load on every other porno I could find. But I was only 18 or so. I was still wondering about how I would get married. You see, my parents didn't want me to get married because they married too young and struggled with having a poor life with children. At every turn they would stop me from considering it, explaining that I should have a career first and my education first and marriage later. Yet I was desperate to get laid. It didn't help that my girlfriend from New Orleans refused to follow me when I asked her to come with me. And it seemed "unholy" to ask a girl for sex just to have the sex.  If I wanted to have sex and marry her I should really really really be sure she was that forever girl right? And that proved impossible. I wanted to date but I was too scatterbrained to understand what my goal was in those years. I wanted to be popular as much with the Baptist Student Union as with the bar crowd which I thought were not so bad a bunch. But YOU try to accommodate both of those and I promise you a headache.

And it seems like ever since then, I have been repeating the story. I go to bars only to drink and sing karaoke, eventually I end up getting offers that I refuse and soon it's time to find another bar for some reason as people begin to comment on how arrogant or "too good" I am for them.  

And this REPUTATION, as someone who doesn't accept offers but spends all his time in the bar, kind of MARKS you doesn't it? 
And now, much like her, "I" am the one with the mark or the hairlip.  Despite my good looks and education and work experience, my hairlip is the first thing a girl sees, and now I am going to have to be the one to be upfront with someone... hopefully open to dating a "hairlip".