I Still Exist

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

So this month I am bop bop boppin' along.  I got really overheated with the combo of my sister and church and the neighbor and I can feel that my need to do things is diminished.  Someone is having a really good time although on the upside, I can see now why "magic" is such a big deal and why it's everywhere.  You can totally do "magic" and people will stop talking, stop working, stop trying to find you, stop caring about what the leaders are doing, and even stop righting wrongs.  The only thing you need for "magic" is for the people to NOT know it's happening and even if they do, it's not a crime.  All you need is to take one HUGE criminal act, like assault with a deadly weapon, which carries a felony charge and years in jail, which puts a person "indisposed" for a LONG period of time... and split that up among several people.  

And the price for that crime?  Nothing.  

Also, it's a small wonder everyone's a comedian, right?  You take some hits and the cops let "people" get away with it and now you've got a whole lot to talk about.  That is, I whole lot of IRONY.  

Well, I'm going to try to talk about good things next month but let's see what's left to say, I do have to talk about the hospital and my dad's life but I don't want to cut it short because if I get too tired and get lazy, I won't include everything.  

Ok I'm going to leave it here for now but let me just say that I watched an episode of Love, Death, and Robots and there was one where they had the huge megalith monster in it and it mentioned a "real estate gang".  That's what those squatters seemed like to me, a real estate gang.  I had a long time thinking about the philosophy of it.  Higher quality RESIDENTS keep the value of real estate up so it's "valuable" to get the lower quality people out, ya?  I wonder if the "developers" of real estate just LET people sit in their houses ready to harass people and, like I just stated, they might be ALLOWED to do it.  Moreover, it seems like everyone knows right?  Emphasis on the "everyone" that needs to. 

I am watching "The Crow" and it was definitely a "real estate gang" involved in that show.  And that show was WAY back in 1994 so a part of me thinks... if I would have UNDERSTOOD the movie back then, I would have seen this coming.  

Wait, ALL of this coming?  Yeah right.  Well, at least YOU can see this coming, and for that... I still exist. 

September 2019

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Love Happens.

This was last month, I was have had a HUGE amount of stress added because my sister is RIGHT THERE willing to trash my feelings and I am forced to justify that as normal but I know that it isn't.  It's just a feeling.  

I have a loose relationship with my computer because sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't work at all.  I tried for the longest time to post that drawing of Erin/whatever and I couldn't get it done.  The scans have a huge amount of memory required to display and all of that doesn't fit in Twitter so I have since learned to display the images in JPG format and it has worked.  I have also registered for YouTube and that seems to be working fine now though previously I wasn't sure if I wanted to use my real information to register.  And, although I had HUGE aspirations to posting a regular "news" show on my own channel, it's much more difficult now, having my hothead sister nearby, so my spirit or ambition or my desire to get attention, is somewhat smashed.  

You know, people know the right thing to do but they don't tell you how difficult doing the right thing can be.  You probably think that this must have something to do with some serious act that I committed that requires that I be followed around but I can tell you that THIS is it.  Just a bunch of people trying to keep me silent when what I know is really not that much at all.  

Again, I believe they just need me to be famous, it's not necessary if I am actually guilty of something.  

I might start up FFXI again because I want to be able to post pictures that apply to what I did that month.  Usually I like to write about some amazing philosophical truth that I came across that month that makes ubiquitous sense in some way... but we'll see what happens.  

I am amazed about church.  All those movies that portray religious people as evil made NO sense until this church did what it did.  But it's not that the RELIGION is faulty it's that groups of people are faulty.  And sure I have had my problems with churches growing up.  My principal who was married to the pastor used to talk about people ripping pages out of the Bible because they could not prove their point and I remember thinking that THAT'S what I wanted to do was argue some point among the higher ups.  But this behavior that has happened to me, this "violence" of people just hearing something and acting against me without asking me or talking to me, this ALIEN behavior, that's truly amazing.  It's an attempt at exile and I wonder just what they expect to happen.   I also wonder who's going to pay for those crimes.  How will you make up for it when you have YET to acknowledge you have wronged me?  And what's worse to think about is what about all of the other incidents?  Sure this church is bad but those OTHER people are really bad, so who goes first(and it would probably be easier if I just went away ya?)   Each of those whether big or small requires an accounting.  But people continue to act as though I am something less than a person, a person that does NOT require accounting for.  FREE HITS from now to eternity I suppose.  I honestly have never felt that, this FREEDOM to hate someone like as though from someone's word I could pound out their good will.  

And yet, at some level, I am glad that it's me and not someone else, because I am huge.  Really, I am huge.  

August 2019

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Your arrow, sir

So in August 2019 I was getting called a lot and bothered by calls.  This is nothing compared to how many calls I used to get.  It was understood by me that I was being monitored LONG AGO but I didn't know who was doing it.  It was just  a slew of calls after I was arrested 10 years ago but I remembered complaining about it a lot and having it be cut short right after about 4 years of it happening.  My father died in 2015 and so that means that about 2013 was when I realized that there was a cut off in the amount of harassment I received.  

This means?  Well, if you are looking to find out what is "normal" for people being in jail for drugs, I would say FOUR YEARS is about the normal amount then since that is how long they kept it up on me, by harassing me into just sitting at home.  Now, why it got cut short or who it was I don't know.  My brother has HIS friends that are totally different from my sister's friends that are totally different than my "friends" and it really could have just been some separate set of people that wanted to "shakedown" me enough so that I would go to the cops and get some people in trouble knowing full well that they were somewhere safe.  And of course it could have just been the cops themselves I honestly don't know but cops don't have people following you around apparently with nothing better to do than to follow you too closely and show you just how many different cars have time enough to follow you around at about the time that you are driving around.  

I once had a thought that I would ask SarahK out on a date and she would like "oh don't worry about it" and then I would be "no, that attention, that's actually not you".  

So it calmed down until a few months after my father died and my mother left to Costa Rica and I had the house to myself.  I wish I would have recorded it on a camera somewhere because I went from no calls the month prior to a BUNCH of calls just to let me know that I wasn't alone in my house mourning my father or basically just to let me know I was being watched.  

I also had a strange happening with my cousins from Costa Rica one of whom arrived just before my mother left and he was all in with bugging me with his coughs.  I put up with it as much as I could but I eventually had to tell him off.  It was quite strange.  We went together to Universal Studios and had a decent time.  I remember some people doing that at the theme park also "letting me know" that they were there in a 45 minute line.  And once also another time, some other guy.  Ya, it's a huge amount of people that know me, probably wanting my autograph because I'm such a good artist.  

Ok, so that's what that August was like, it was like someone thinks they own me but I have no idea in what realm that person is.  I'm not sure how I would "deal" with knowing who it was that has been doing this for 10 years, and of course that first thing that would come to MY mind is that the persons or people are cowards.  

Ok, I'm gonna leave it there so I have more for the next one.  

July 2019

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Fear

So in July I am much better at Twitter and I am past talking to Citibank about my job.  I have begun thinking that it's better that I leave town and repeated instances where my sister blows me up reinforces for me that I may need to move.  

At some point I yell at her and she calms down but she is still a hothead and just today after she bought me food, I asked her to excuse herself when she coughs and she TOOK OFFENSE to that and did not agree.  At some point I wonder if my mother gave her the money for food because she makes NO sense to me sometimes.

At least this time we didn't end up yelling.  

So to go back in time my DMV part of my DUI lasted a very long time and so did the probation.  I was forced to do many hours of community service and I did those at the Goodwill Building.  I also went to the psychiatrist and she did normal things there even though I was never told what my "state of mind" was.  I applied for a temporary license and got that just so that I could go to the store for food which in hindsight, I didn't really need.  I met with people at the DMV and they also acted weird.  The lady there had a "stink eye" and proceeded to ask questions unrelated to the DMV.  It was supposed to be a board but in reality it was just me and this lady.  

I had several strange occurrences at the theater also.  Since I am remembering all of this now, I used to like to go to the theater even by myself so my father volunteered to take me and drop me off and he did this several times.  At some point, one girl told me the wrong time that the movie ended and my father showed up to pick me up at the wrong time.  I can't remember why I didn't have a cell phone but yeah that happened.  I went back to the girl to complain and seconds later an officer started prowling around as I waited for my father.  

All very strange.  

Ok, I will leave it there.  You can see how there was NO WAY I was going to be in a good mood enough to do interviews to begin working again.  I remember when I started to drive again that it felt like I was learning to drive because I had not driven for so long and felt some actual fear of driving at that.  

I mean really, it's not as though ALL OF THAT could happen at any minute.  Right?

June 2019

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Jailtime

In June 2019, I was playing Dragon Age Inquisition.  I was playing many different characters but settled on the rogue this time.  I have trouble getting the face right and since it centers on the face so often and since it looks totally different in the game from where you set it up, I have to stop playing several times only after I go through the whole introduction which takes several minutes.  I was still reticent to use my new Xbox online so I was playing it offline and have still not used the game online yet.  Strangely I still had trouble with lag so it's strangely not completely the fault of online gameplay and it makes me wonder if I should use the Xbox One to play it since it would have less lag and would not lock up during gameplay.  It has locked up during gameplay.  When I have more than $40 to spend on an Xbox One, I will make sure to buy one.  I actually sometimes get $60 now so there's that.  

Ok, so continue the story from last month, after I am arrested, I go to jail.  It's a very strange arrest mostly because the officer looks familiar and seems to act weird.  He tells me he is going to turn off my car instead of just asking me to do it, so I just turn off the car.  But that is just the start.  I do everything I can to keep aware because I am seriously drained at this point.  I had spent the whole day at the bar getting happy and celebratory and I had just been dropped like a wet sack by the whole bar so the flip flop had seriously wrecked my spirits and to add insult to injury, my relief at having made it to the drive-thru and resting easy at the drive-thru and looking forward to eating food and then having them attack me by yelling at me through the drive-thru, had DOUBLE wrecked my spirit at that point.  Keep in mind, people have NEVER yelled at me in the drive-thru... ever.  I have had people not hear me or take too long or get stuff wrong but this was obviously a setup because they were YELLING at me, I mean really yelling, then it was TWO of them, so I had to start to yell back just to shut them up and then POOF a police officer.  

Ok so, before I go to jail, I remember him asking me to walk over to the curb so I sat there, then he asked me to get in the car, then he asked to reach in and get my wallet so he got it.  All weird, but I tried to just focus the whole time and see what I could do to negotiate and try to show I was ok but I couldn't this time, it was all WAY too much to handle.  

Notice also that they yelled at me first, got me to start yelling, and now here I am in front of a police officer again. 

So later at the station the officer there started to harang me some and I remember trying to watch what I said so I said that "this that happened here should not happen to anyone" or something like that because I felt like everyone ganged up on me.  So I ask to wait for a lawyer and then it takes a very long time and this whole time I STILL have not had any water or food so I am literally in medical duress, I mean inside I am shocked at them for this but I relent and so I forego speaking to the lawyer or something like that.  Later, I go into the jail after a bunch of processing and I remember they gave me a calling card to use for calls and I remember it not working.  I also remember sleeping on the top bunk since there was no one there but reading what my rights were.  I was worried but I felt good about it because I had plenty of money in the bank.  Even so, one guy got on the bottom bunk and started thumping his leg to bother me so I gave him a look and then he changed his tone and became friendly.  He even let me use his calling card and his seemed to work fine.  Then I got some bail agent and his help turned out to be a complete mess.  I had to call back several times and there was automation half the time, it was awful.  Later I find out they never called my parents and that my parents made bail all on their own.   I remember having to wait forever to get into the jail but that once I did I immediately drank a BUNCH of water and then I finally got back to normal.  It's so stupid.  One 32oz and I would have been fine.  I have SO MUCH built up resistance from years of drinking that on any given SUNDAY, I would have been totally fine to drive if not for all these events that occurred at the same time.   Later, they sent my parents on a goose chase but I forgot now how that went but it took a long time get them the bail money.  Still, I was glad when I got out.  Later when we went to get my car, the police had removed the tag but it was done incorrectly.  They were supposed to impound the car after sentencing or something like that and they just told the tow company that they were doing it early which was wrong.  

I got an amazing lawyer and after my father won his lawsuit he gave all of us $5000 to use how we wanted and sadly, this is how mine had to be used and luckily I hadn't used mine yet unlike my brother who put a down payment on a nice truck and my sister who put up a nice fence to upgrade her old house which made her ex-husband, in who's name the house was, a nice amount of money that she will never see.  Anyways, the lawyer was a great lawyer, very classy and kind, and good-looking.  My mother was in denial or IS in denial that this was her son getting plowed around in jail and in custody and going to the DMV to get my license back and on probation.  It was really a scene from another world.  My brother and sister were the ones that were always problems growing up and here I was disgracing my mother.  One time I think she cracked a little bit and smiled at me and actually asked me to hit on the District Attorney WHILE she was right there!  I was so embarrassed and trying to shush her up but that wasn't nearly as bad as how hard the DA was on me later at the thought of it.  But I didn't explain all of THIS to the DA.  I know the officers must have told her quite the story about me but I am sure they had no idea what my true character was.  

Later the judge rejects my request to let me pay for community service instead of having to work, he refuses to waive court fees which ZERO out my savings account and in combination with the lawyer fees leaves me living off my parents' allowance for the first time in my life.  The judge even goes so far as to publicly mention to all of us that if he wanted to, instead of offering this probation, he could put us in jail for a year.  

The very thought, especially when this was all a trap. I was so flattened by all of this that there was no way I was going to be able to do a lawsuit to the restaurant and besides I WAS kinda guilty so it was very difficult to decide to do anything even though it all seemed very wrong.  And the worst part of it all was that the DMV wanted a psychological exam done by a psychiatrist.  It was something right out of a horror movie.  Where was this all headed?  I even told the lawyer about it and she stated to me she had NEVER had a DUI been referred to a psychiatrist.  

Ok that about covers it for now.  I did get through it all but really it was very ill-gotten pain.  All of it.  Driving drunk is not some serial killer waiting to happen.  I was in a drive-thru about to order food and drink.  Drive-thrus serve people at 11pm at night... BECAUSE they were at a bar.  

And this is because (read my lips)... NOTHING ELSE IS OPEN.  

May 2019

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Drunkstop

This month I remember commenting something about women using head gear at the capitol.  Since I have seen Salt and in that movie there is Angelina doing the do versus the enemies of the state then I imagined someone in head gear not being able to be identified if they were a rogue agent.

But this turned into something less savory when I mentioned an ulterior use for the head gear to cover up unwashed hair and since this is "filthy" I made that mention.  Later however I got the idea that Erin heard me because she mentioned it on her show and she "got me" with that.  I had to start hating myself for a while because yeah, it sounds as bad as it sounds when you say it... when someone else says it.  But that's telepathy right?  It's like my sister, we can feel each other even if it's not positive.

I'm not sayin' I have that with Erin, not sayin' that.

In an unrelated note, let me tell you all how I got arrested. At the time I had a long relationship with several bars.  The one I was at was one where my sister spent a lot of time and I called it her bar while I had my own other bar.  But at my sister's bar I was once drinking too much and they were in general "worried" that I was having a falling out with my friends at my bar.  I didn't care, since I was mad at them.  They didn't invite me to some parties and they starting suspecting me or treating me like an informant.   Whatever, talk to the hand.  Anyways at my sister's bar people start to worry that I "drink too much" which is BAR TALK for we are going to EXILE you when you least expect it ... because that's what happened.  One guy I never spoke to before started asking me if I was ok to drive so I stood up on the barstool and proved that I was ok to drive.

Well, here comes the bartender asking me to leave.  I remember being dizzy because I had got up too fast so I refused but if he could have given me just a second ...but no, this was part of their spell.  Later on the cop comes in worried and asks where this guy is that he has to throw out ...(he called the cops, what a jerk, hey, bartender CODE SIX, drunk guy, on barstool SEVEN ... call the COPS!) and I was right there sitting in front of him and I got the impression that he was MUCH more worried than he should be.  In fact, they could have just got the bouncer to get me up off the stool and I would have walked out, besides WHERE would I go?  He really should have just called me taxi and done it "nice" but I suspect what I said earlier, they had this WHOLE THING planned so that I would end up in the place I am in.  

So later I get up, take about 10 steps and I'm outside waiting for a taxi.  FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, a cop comes over and asks me if I think I'm ok to drive.  Since I was agitated I countered him and said that I should be ok to drive if I can pass the sobriety test, which I was sure I could do, but the cop just walks off.  

This is how they do, agitate you first and now you get to unwind in front of the cop, total witchcraft.

If they would have just banned me from the bar for a month I would have been MUCH more pissed but they had WORSE things in mind.  About a week later it's Memorial Day and I'm buying shots for people which I rarely do but hey, I'm literally pulling out $100 a night to spend at the bar because I feel out of place having so much money compared to everyone else.  So at some point this guy Dane tells me some lady Joyce is a drug dealer.  I had previously reassured them that I was not a "threat" to people since my brother smoked pot.  I didn't say we are gangsters, I didn't say I SELL stuff, I said this so they would not treat me as suspicious as my previous bar treated me.  But because I was feeling good and because I was suddenly imposed upon by his admission, I felt torn.  He was a previously troublemaker, and other people told me so, and I felt that he was trying to make me feel guilty of something so I left it alone for a while but I couldn't keep it for long.  I know if I waited a week or something it would be like it was at the other bar where I was keeping some sort of secret from my friends. So I hurried up and did not hesitate and spilled my guts to her that her friend just outed her as a drug dealer.  

Now, do I have proof? No.  Do I know any dealers? No.  Does any of this amount to anything substantial that can be used in court? No.  But to look at it, it was like the WHOLE BAR just shut down at the words.  I went back and sat at my seat.  Then I went to go talk to Lady Di who is another famous patron there and she ignored me.  That's saying something when Lady Di ignores you, it was the first time ever for me.  

So even though I am chock full of shots and am in no condition to drive and even though normally I would order up several glasses of water before going out, even though normally they would call a TAXI... it was like everyone got quiet and didn't like me.  

So I left... and have never gone back.  

A very bad decision it was or choice if you can call it that.  I am driving realizing that my jug of water in the car is empty and that I need to get something in me so I go to the drive-thru.  There, I order up a bunch of food but they can tell I am not sober and they start to yell at me(first time EVER) and they mention the police.  I didn't insult them at all but yes, it seemed they were ready for me because they yelled at me straight away and as soon as they said they were calling the cops the cop was there, like seconds later, I mean like he stepped out from behind the sign.  Ok, I'm tired and I will explain more later but that was the same cop, I think, that asked me if I could drive the week prior.  I was some sort of menace now I guess and instead of giving me food and letting me park and eat it and drive home or something, which was my plan, a WHOLE different set of events was initiated.  

This was May 2009 but you get the idea.  

April 2019

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Miranda

So at this party that occurred in April 2019 we played this game that was like charades but that you play using the phone.  We three are famously fun to be with when we are buzzed and playing a board game.  The movie quotes fly, the amazing ability to read each other's mind's fly, you'd think the Spanish flies but we don't speak Spanish to each other at all.

Around this time I sent an email to Citibank advising them meekly that I wanted them to consider giving my job back.  I had read my previous emails in detail and was disturbed how when I last sent a "complaint" about my termination and pointed out people's names on it, that co-incidentally my father was dead within a month.  It's a BUNCH of coincidences like this that make me wonder how closely someone is watching what I do and if I get affected by me not cleaning out the bugs that watch me.  Again, in my mind, it must be someone lawfully buggin me that is doing it but increasingly I am seeing that this is not the case.

Ok so, the lady from Citibank responds saying she is sorry about my father and I explain that I would send her an email detailing it all over again.  Well, my neighbor or SOMETHING happened and I remember going over it that weekend that I was feeling too good about it or unnaturally feeling sick or something happened that I didn't ready that email for the Monday following and so about Thursday she sends a second email stating she has reviewed my file and said my request was rejected.  I sent her a response but it was too little too late.  If I had then the energy I have now, I would have done much more but I am VERY low energy now.  It's lucky I can even type this but to think about it I know I am doing this for NO pay and that I will never see anything good from it.

Still, once the whole story is out I expect that there will be nothing left to say like in Serenity where the damage is done but there is no reason to further STOP me from speaking.

I sometimes want to ask my sister... "am I speaking to Miranda now?"

March 2019

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Beastmaster

I leveled up Beastmaster at some point.  I thought it would take a long time but they made the process easier recently and I really enjoyed the character class.  The beetle in the picture is a Paladin beetle so that means he has Paladin powers.  

So in March 2019 we are getting close to where we are now.  Only 10 days or so until the end of this exercise.  I had something lined up to talk about but it has escaped me now.  I wonder if ok I will talk about typing.  One of the most productive things that I did at Citibank was learn to type.  I have perhaps covered this in a previous blog but taking calls in customer service is a timed affair.  If you take too long then you have to take the hits productivity-wise, which will result in a smaller bonus.  

Now unlike most other people out there I feel that even more impressive than getting whole classes to vote against studying what you have mastered, is to work for nothing.  It might set a bad example true, but taking your sweet time typing out notes that explain what happened and taking the hits for that when your monthly appraisal comes up is a next-level type of nobility.  You KNOW you are going to be a faster typer after you learn so you "take the hits" for learning how to type NOW , knowing full well that you didn't WASTE your time like the "average" rated appraisal says you did.

This is my life.  In a similar vein, I have taken the hits so as to know what dangers are out there in life and now that I know them I can have children and watch out for them to keep my family safe.  

That means there is one LUCKY girl out there! 

Vaughn(Mr. and Mrs. Smith): "stop hitting him I think he said something crazy, what'd you say?" 

Brad Pitt: "I'm getting married!"

February 2019

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Novelist

February 2019 was not so different than January and I seem to remember that my sister was working during the month of January and that that came to an end.  She explained to my mother that her first day at work she worked for this lady that asked her about her family and she blurted out that she had relatives in Costa Rica.  She said that she couldn't explain why it was that they suddenly turned mean on her and stopped talking to her and that at some point she put in her two weeks notice because she couldn't take it anymore.  

But I knew better.  I know from experience that once those "people from the bar" don't like you they will make up ANY excuse to put the word out that you don't belong and use that as a catastrophic event to capsize your career.  In my time at Citibank the same thing happened.  One day some people started to turn against me and I was forced to move to this other area and then move again.  It got so that I was taken to see the higher ups and they could see that I was having problems but what could they do?  They once told me they took the whole team to a focus group to advise them to treat me better and since they didn't know who the leaders of the people doing the harassment were, and since they didn't make an example out of one of them, I was left to continue in the rut.  And I could have warned her that this was what was happening to her but did she want to talk?  No.  She was ignoring me and making sure that when I talked to her that I was stressed out to do it and that if I brought up anything from the past... like OUR "friends" from the bar... that she didn't understand anything I was saying let alone agreeing with my advice.  

So long story short, she's terrible now.  Just tonight she asked me if I wanted anything from McDonald's and I was surprised that she wanted to do something nice and we talked a bit about where she wanted to go since she wasn't sure so I suggested Krystal's and she made it obvious she didn't want to drive far and so I said to just bring me back some fries.  So she brings back fries and some hot chicken wings and I'm all set to eat them and then she coughs as she exits the room.  Yeah, that TOTALLY spoiled any good intentions she had of doing me a favor.  Moreover, it made it worse right?  She pumped me up and then DROPPED me like a wet sack of crap.  And now I have to wonder right?  Did she read my previous blog?  Why after two months is she suddenly in a bad mood?  Who is telling them these things since I KNOW they have no idea about how to search for my blog let alone my identity.  Hmmpf.  

More fantastical clairvoyant ability that tells me they work for a collective.  And this just after my mother tells me earlier today to go to a different church SOMEHOW guessing that it's not going so well for me at the current one?  

How do they know? 

I don't tell them anything is wrong at all and yet up and down reactions from problems this and that, and to look at me my greatest failure was my DUI from 2009... TEN years ago.  I am literally a novelist with a successful monthly income for all they know and instead I have "problems".  

You know, I have to say this and it's a sad thing to say, but this is blood magic.  It's forbidden in Dragon Age to use blood magic.  You spend all this time trying to figure out what they  mean just like you spend time figuring out what a lightning spell is, right?  Wouldn't we all like to fire a bolt of lightning at people sometimes?  Well, you can once you figure out what they "mean" by lightning.  Well, blood magic is control.  You hurt people's feelings in a way that leaves them paralyzed and then after a long delay that lets the enemy get some free hits, POOF, a bunch of spirit damage occurs that coincidentally pumps out a number in PURPLE.  

Earlier tonight I was watching a bunch of Youtube and I clicked on one video where Gwyneth Paltrow told her story to Howard Stern.  She recounted that she had a very strange thing with Harvey Weinstein.  She then came home and complained about it to Brad Pitt and somehow he knew to immediately go up to the guy and threaten him not to do it again.  You see, for a minute there she was under Weinstein's control.  She would no longer be able to promote herself freely because she was afraid and since Weinstein was a "highly trusted" figure, they would take his word over hers or worse she wouldn't even know all the jobs she lost because, unlike her, he would be in the rooms where they discussed whether or not to hire people like her.  That's blood magic, it's really terrible and it has a lot to do with making people feel that they are controlled.  

Anyways, long story short that was brave and sort of reckless of Brad Pitt to do that for her and though I might have done the same thing, I can't see myself doing it.  But that's what a thinker or a "novelist" or a teacher(like me) does, he hesitates... and those that can... DO.

PS.  I have to say one more thing, that maybe they are right(like in Contact where as a scientist I have to concede that there might be a God).  What if they have known all along everything about me and my sister and my brother?  I mean if I have to stay in hell to keep my sister from getting out(before she gets well)... maybe I shouldn't get out. 

January 2019

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Something

It's very difficult to write every day.  I started to have little trouble with it but it has become very tiresome now.  Ok so, after looking it up on G0ogle, as I expected the use of Wormwood(after looking it up) was indirectly derisive.  The Screwtape Letters explains how this occurs at length and one day I will have to read that novel.  

So today is January 2018.  I did misstate that I had a new computer in May 2018.  My excellent computer actually went kaput and I was forced to use my mother's computer, which is what I have used ever since.  

I've noticed that I posted a video of a song that I first heard in May 2019 called "Never Enough".  Me and my sister went to a party with my brother and she introduced it to me as one of her favorites in her car.  The first incident had happened and I was still "repressing" my hatred at the time so that means I didn't blow up on her the second time until after that party, several months after, so the timeline is kind of screwed up.   

At that party, since I can't think of anything that happened in January, my siblings confided in me some terrible feelings they had for my father... OUR father, and sure he spent a lot of time out to sea, semi-abandoning us and having little love for our NEEDY hearts when we performed less than adequate schoolwise.  My younger self did everything for my father as did my siblings and we were starved for affection most of the time and since my mother was extra mean (as the sole disciplinarian) and since he had the money and we had nothing but a good time when he got home chock FULL of money to spend on going out, we all LOVED our father overmuch and took his sentiments to heart when we were bad.  That was weird for us but we were never violent to each other and even though we constantly yelled growing up, that behavior all but stopped once we were adults.  

My brother was the kindest one of us all.  He was always stuck in the middle, with me trying to protect him, and my sister trying to get him to do stuff.  I did bully them perhaps into doing what was right.  They spent a lot of time resisting that, most especially my sister who I never got along with growing up but who was always rebellious, most especially after puberty.  Still, after she was sent away for a time and much later after she had her child and divorced her first husband, I sought to use her to get myself a girlfriend.  She is my sister after all and one thing is for sure, my two siblings are FAR and AWAY more impressive than the rest of people.  Maybe that's arrogant or something but frankly I start quoting movies and no one else cares.  I start explaining astronomy and no one else cares.  I go into trigonometric substitution as one of several methods of performing calculus... hah, I gotcha, they probably wouldn't care about that.  

But those days are over.  They are different to me now. 

Long ago, it was a sad day when my father's mother died.  She lived in New Orleans, instead of Honduras, and most of my father's side of the family out of adoration for her congregated for Christmas in her honor, but also out of respect for the family.  And that all ended when she died.  There were no more Christmas parties.  The family separated into favorites and people we never see.  And then one day we moved away.  Which was nice since we NEEDED to move away, but there was a LOT they provided that we no longer had in the form of safety from rumors.  

And now it's happening again. Those two are totally different to me after Dad died.  It's like someone took their leash off.  My brother likes to slightly disrespect my mother sometimes now, not at all like his former self and it's something that started with his wife doing it first.  

Well, this had nothing to do with January but hey, my mother's birthday is in January so "for once, then, something". 

December 2018

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Bombay

I've got a secret, I've been hiding, under my skin.  My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain IBM. 

I don't know when I started thinking that ALL movies were about me, like this STYX song that came out when I was a kid, but it happened.  I thought, "Oh my God, they are stealing my life story and putting it in a movie."  Then one day I noticed another one, then another one.  At some point, I started to think that everything was "all about me" and that's not too far from the truth, if the truth is that everyone goes through what I am going through.  And it's getting stupider and stupider.  I am noticing by reading previous blogs that this has been an EON that I have had this happen.  

Once I was at a bar let's call it Bombay Bicycle Club and some people including a guy named Bobbie that I was friends with were joking about "some guy" that was always having his feelings hurt.  So I gave my opinion about it and he gave his and then he looks at me, straightfaced, and (paraphrased) tells me "the only thing that maybe explains it to me is that he must LIKE it".   Yeah, he was referring to me.  But no, I don't like having my feelings hurt.  If I unknowingly hurt your feelings I will put up with having my feelings hurt so long as I can figure out what I did... unwittingly!  But I don't hurt people's feelings... ever... and I know that if I start to ENJOY talking about someone, I know that I am doing it intentionally and then I have to go hate myself for a while. 

This mostly happens after I have put up with it a while so it's always a smaller payback from what I suffered.  

Ok, this is December of 2018.  This Christmas they all bought me a new XBOX to replace the one which stopped working because of  faulty power cube.  I resolved not to use it online since I was convinced that the error occurred online but "who knows".  I now use it online and it's fine.  That's reality.  You have to solve errors right away or else you go back to not caring that something terrible happened.  This is like my father.  It was terrible but I can feel myself starting to not care about it.  It's like my job.  It was wrongly taken from me but I have done some diligent things like talking to them and sending them emails and frankly, now I'm kinda over it.  

What else? 

After moving a lot of stuff around when my sister moved in I found some old files and I resolved to post them online to explain my "side" of things but that got old quick after I had to spend days in bed after getting attacked and not wanting to do anything for days.  

Ok, so long story short I finally yelled at my sister, I don't know why I said I would go into it since I have already explained that I thought she was dealing with gangsters but I don't remember exactly when it happened.  I read over my old blog in May and that one has the date off and I have to fix it.  Twitter is a good way to find out what I was thinking but it's WAY too many tweets to go back and do that quickly.  I have noticed that I have more interactions on Twitter lately but I can't talk about that since I'm SUPPOSED to be talking about December 2018.  I remember wanting to have a word processor to type stuff and having to use Notepad like I am doing now to copy & paste stuff.  But this STILL is not a good way to write a letter since I would prefer to use templates from AMI and AMI Pro.  

November 2018

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Poppycock

In this picture, you see that I am playing Paladin.  I was actually starting to feel like it too around that time in November of 2018 because I dunno, maybe I was stupid.  

So yesterday I wrote that Richard Marx should maybe be taken away and in hindsight, I realize that some people might actually take me seriously that he might actually be guilty of something so let me just say that some people are amazing like that at that age.  When I was 17 I was already in college.  When I was in 7th grade science they moved me to 8th grade honors Geology: Igneous, Metamorphic, and Sedimentary is all I can tell you about that.  Btw, "which rock are you?" makes for interesting pillow talk.  Ok... I'm a SHUT UP about pillow talk now, sorry. I keep forgetting how writing makes me feel when I'm venting.    Ok anyways so all this taken into account, it is certainly possible that Richard Marx wrote that song Hazard by himself and judging by his ever so slight smirk in his latest video, it probably doesn't take him long to write music now ("months") some 20 years later, so... that.  

You know one of the most calming songs in existence is the Gymnopedie, I looked up what it means and it means a sort of dance.  One of the reasons I play FFXI is because of the great music.  You really get attached to it and miss it after you quit for a while.  I like to play it without music but if I turn the music up really loud I really do get entranced by it.  

Ok so, in Bizarro world which is what my life was like this month in November 2018, my sister had JUST moved in, I was happily taking my place telling her things like keep the hair out of drain and make sure to stop up the drain to keep the roaches from coming in and I was finding out from her things about the cats and how they would get along.  It was all very banal but my spirits were picking up.  She was not working but she had a job lined up and was just taking a month off.  It was this month that she really "crashed my lights" as Christian Bale would put it.  I was playing Destiny and as usual the regular becomes the unreal and I can sense when the game takes a turn and becomes unfair.  I'm not making this up, it's been YEARS that this has happened and like I have said before it's poison.  At some point it gets to be too much and now you are having a meltdown over some little thing, but it's the ton of other stuff that has REALLY driven you down to your breaking point.  

Luckily, she had a job lined up and she faithfully applied for it and got it and was going to start in January so I kept quiet or tried to "understand" it somewhat ... all while taking HUGE hits to my psyche.  Keep in mind, this is ABSOLUTE hatred on her part and nothing coming from me.  I keep trying to hug her or explain to her but I really can't understand WHO I am talking to because IT'S NOT HER that would do this.  Also keep in mind that we have a connection that's developed over the years, people might call it love but it's not like it feels good it's like I can feel her feelings.  Well, it's 3 times worse when my sister hurts my feelings and the only thing I can guess is that it's because her son is under threat. 

Ok, I catch up in famous form next month.  I get burned down to the quick and I stop putting up with it which I guess is what happens to everyone right?  I mean I used to think being the "diamond in the rough" was a choice, like HOW NOBLE to hold steadfast and not become the coal.  HOW NOBLE to refuse to turn to evil.  But there really is no choice is there?  Everyone that gets burned by fire(hatred) has their outsides taken away, gets their MAGIC SHIELD diminished, or gets made into a sensitive or a bi-polar lot.  

ALL THIS TIME, I thought that being bi-polar(and they keep changing the name ya?) was some medical term for some rare thing that people are born with but no, you get stressed out by some GANG, like my brother's wife, or you take a bunch of STRESS from being a bartender and maybe have your life or the life or your child threatened several times and THERE IT WENT... your magic shield is gone.  You are now bi-polar.  You're cracked.  And you'd think medicine will help with this but NO the only thing that will SOLVE this is to STOP being threatened, to STOP having your life in danger, to STOP messing with gangsters... or, your going to have to put them in jail...  and women aren't too good at that yeah?  And now she's dragged my brother and my sister into her "hell" which is not hell because she's "dealing" with it, oh lmao... SO STUPID... but only a man would say that.  And now I am in it too and look at me, 10 YEARS later instead of thinking that I chose to "retire" I am just now realizing that they have AGREED (like making a deal with the devil) that they will live under threat.  And I having just found out that instead of butressing the flood of evil away from my family(like the Phoenix in XMen2), thinking that somehow I got too close to evil, thinking that all these YEARS of stress were doing someone some good, that I will now be receiving hate from them, from my family... I am really just aghast... or a ghast... nope just aghast, yup.  

So BIG surprise mental health is "poppycock" (I just realized why Poppy Harlow never smiles).  People get stressed out too much and the "doctors" give you some de-hydration pills and call it a miracle drug because you get side-effects that MAKE it unique.  Pffft.  ALL THIS so people can keep selling drugs ... even though we can all make these drugs ourselves... even though there is no real reason or danger that it be illegal... except that they use it as part of some screwed up "system" or "matrix" perhaps.  

You know think about this, what if there were NO DRUGS?  Would there still be doctors?  Would there still be gangsters? What if we all just agreed to stop doing the bad things, the really bad things?  It's SO STUPID.  

PS. This reminds me of that song "Our lips are sealed" but instead of how it normally goes sing it like this:

Can you see them?
See right through them... 
a hockey puck...
a poppycock...
a hockey puck...
a poppycock...
a hockey puck...
a poppycock...

DRAGONWHEEL.

October 2018

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Hazard

Anyone know who this is?  I am SO embarrassed now but I'm kind of over it, but I LOVE it that I get SO embarrassed because it means I still feel something. 

This month I remember writing a big long thing that explained the song Hazard.  The song implies that the singer is a psychotic killer who killed "Mary" and so the police ask him where the body is and he can't remember doing it.  I explained that this is totally wrong.  I said that the truth is that Mary was a whore and that she was hazardous.  You know when they mention that whoring is the world's oldest profession, they aren't saying that the practice is dead and gone.  If you are like ME you think to yourself well those things are in other countries, the LESS civilized countries, and besides WE have porn and that helps keep people from doing illegal things, right?  Well, I don't think so and in that vain I explained that the "psychotic" was set up to fall and that the "river" is basically a change in the culture that all believes the WRONG thing about him and he is taken away.  So if this was say about a PERSON that was being "taken" it might mean that a WHOLE LOT of people believe the wrong thing, like a DEATH, and that somewhere that whore is still whoring in another city... and lo' and behold this boy that has "something not right" gets put in jail because people don't like him.  

Ok, so enough about Hazard and Richard Marx.  Wait no, he's done nothing wrong... PLEASE don't take him away, lol... but like Careless Whisper, I think there is NO WAY a 17 year old wrote that song without help.  It's too perfect.  But that's my opinion.  

This is the very last month that I spend relatively happy(which was nothing compared to a few months prior, wink wink).  Keep in mind that at this time I am getting weekly "floggings" from the church lady and every time I want to go outside and "relax" with a cigarette I get to meet my wonderful neighbor that seems to always be out there when I'm out there, but my sister totally blasted my psyche down to a lower level, one that I didn't think was possible.  I will say more on that later.  

Ok that's enough for now, next month my sister moves in and I explain what happened. 

PS. I'm noticing now that I have no pictures for October so that means I spent most of the month doing nothing but preparing the room and NOT playing the game, but it does look like I started playing again in May and June of 2019. 

September 2018

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Selh'teus

In September of 2018 I was still coming up on getting my sister settled in.  I was playing FFXI but then moving things to clear out that room.  I was still receiving strange calls at all hours and that neighbor was at his height of doing strange things.  Now it's important to note that at church nothing changed.  Little by little the lady gets the hint that I don't want to hug her anymore and I try to avoid her more and I seek to figure out how to arrange things so that I can continue while at the same time trying to decide how best to report all of this.  Even now, I think on this of course because who wants to be constantly bothered by things.  

I saw a video during this month that sounded like "I have to believe that it ends" so I thought it was very insightful and then it turned out that it said "I have to believe that it is" so it wasn't as good as I thought but I still have listened to it a bunch of times.  Alex Wagner was still at CBS Saturday at the time and I really liked tuning in to the show regularly.  I can't afford Showtime but at some future point I know that I will be able to stream SHO Circus if I ever get Showtime.  

I played FFXI in September and October but I must have used up my funds because I didn't pay for FFXI in November and haven't played it for a while yet I plan to play it soon.  

I remember planning to get my beard shaved and I was REALLY optimistic that once my sister got a job and the money started pouring in, that I would want to get to work too but like I have said this went exactly backwards from that.  Moreover, I decided to let my beard grow out.  This outward sign that my beard was out of control would show "them" that they should do comething about the church lady but that didn't happen.  Moreover, they started to give accolades to their "volunteers" and put her up on stage.  

This is what is stumpifying for me since how can I ask them to get rid of a bad influence if I am not willing to join the church as a member or at least volunteer to do the job she is doing.  The same thing goes for becoming a cop.  If you aren't willing to do the job of a cop how can you go and ask them to help you.  it's a whole "picking of the sides" thing since what you want to do is "swim" not become the hand of JUSTICE.  

It looks like in August I wrote a letter to a lawyer asking for a meeting and Farah & Farah told me it was rejected since there were no physical damages.  I remember driving around planning, trying to figure out how I would handle it, I even stopped by Harrell & Harrell and they gave me a the phone number of the state's ethics board but I didn't meet with a lawyer there so I don't know what they were thinking.  

I feel that however much I think the effort against me is, that it's much larger than I think.  

As you can see from the picture this is the month that I finished the story.  It was very difficult and I don't know when it happened but I figured out that you MUST use Selh'teus, and even then it was really difficult to do.  I don't remember how I did it but it took several attempts over several days.  You also have to use Iroha which I didn't figure out right away.  She is very difficult to kill and will tank while your weakened state wears off and you are able to re-summon the rest of the party.  Also, she will raise you if you die near her.  I don't remember more than that since it was a long time ago.  

It was very satisfying to finally get the ring and I remember feeling relieved and then dismayed when I found out the TON of work that I would need to do to get the ring to +1.

August 2018

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Godless

Around this time, August 2018, I was still going to Life Group and I remember because I posted an example of my CSA which shows how much trust I had within the company when I worked there.  I posted a much lower CSA than I had at business card because there I was offered management and was trusted to run the whole center on the weekends at times and had a much larger reputation and level of trust than I was eventually left with.  

I remember one guy at life group at the time mentioning that they would help me with my "mental stability" at the time.  I mean he pitched that right out of the blue.  He didn't know me from Adam and just flipped that out there and that forced me to post my signing authority online.  

On the upside, I was upbeat about what I was doing with the church and I actually had faith AT THAT POINT that I would find a place at church and eventually get a job after I found myself some interim friends that I could see once a week.  And to that end, I trusted them.  Now, I realize that there are totally different types of people at church, some good and some terrible.  The Hal guy for example, he's kinda terrible in a very "Renfield" sort of way (I only say that because he mentioned "wormwood" once or twice) but hey that's his life and if this is "how it is" for him then I applaud that he's surviving with what he has to deal with.  He never insulted me directly in any way and from what I can tell he's very admirable.  And yet, he's in charge right?  Same goes for the pastor, right?  I mean we saw that in "Sum of All Fears" that if you can't control your generals the outside "gangs" have an easy time buying your generals off to pit the two largest forces against each other.  And in that vein I try to just suffer along knowing full well that threats need to be identified, exposed, talked to, and then affected in some way BEFORE I will see any change in behavior.  Alas, that change never happened and so I stopped going to the group.  

I have to say they asked me to come back but NO WAY.  I had my doubts that they were honest and I had already been seen getting angry at someone bothering me by multiple persons and I wasn't going to let them pile on the examples of me getting angry so, no thanks.  

It was around this time that I was gaga smitten with someone and I posted a video about "You don't know me" to let her know that I had a LOT of baggage.  I hope she got that message but boy that song brings back a TOTALLY different set of feelings.  Thankfully that was a long time ago and I remember being SO much happier back then.  The song is from Groundhog Day if you'll all remember and it kinda plays while Bill Murray tries over and over to "do what worked" the first time... and he can't.

Even though I talked about my sister in the last blog it wasn't until November 2018 until she moved in, so I will slow it down so that the list of blogs make sense somewhat.  I was online at that time with FFXI and it looks like this month is when I started up taking screenshots of FFXI again.  I was finishing the story so as to get the Adoulin Ring but since I was using summoner I chose the "quick magic" ring because I liked using Scholar as a sub-class.  At the time I didn't have 6 spots to use for my party and I had to finish the story to get 6 slots so I was focused on getting that done.  

Lastly, you know, since I just added OtherLife as one of my favorite films, I want you guys to watch the movie and FEEL what I have been going through.  Video games function as a nice drug to stabilize or distract you when life is difficult but that stability can be taken advantage of.  People can DRAIN YOUR SPIRIT and as you are dull with video games, you won't complain.  Now, NO WAY would I allow people to harass me if I had a full time job.  NO WAY would I be "soft" to harassment if I didn't live at home with my mother.  If I had plenty of energy, bills to pay, children, an important position with subjects to lead or workers to pay, it would be out of the question to let anyone get away with anything that would keep me from my duties.  Both of these things, video games and living at home, even though I saw them as a boon to my retirement, once identified by others, marks me for harassment, which makes me "an example to the others" right?  I become a BATTERY for some group that wants to show off "what happens" when you cross the wrong people.  You think I am making this up?  I have an example for that.  I once had a car repair that took months to fix and yet once the mechanic got wind that I had a second car, he put the repair of a school bus ahead of my repair.  Do you see that?  My personal life should have nothing to do with your job but apparently it's a bonus to make my life harder once people have found out I have buffers.  And yet this is unfair right?  I am SACRIFICING quite a bit by living at home and playing video games.  Does that make sense to everyone?

Well, all of that is coming to an end.  

Ann Coulter mentioned once that her book Godless came out in 2006 and since 6 is the number of the beast and since it "swirls" in when you draw it, to me it symbolizes "going into hell".  So today I pontificate that 60606, that might have been the day I went into hell and, following that logic and the logic that 9 is the number of "getting out of hell", that on 91919 I get out.  

Well, I must be out.