Lost Cause

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Ok so I just woke up from a dream where everyone thought I was a sexist so I apologize for that. 

If I was working with Rachel I wouldn't refer to her body parts or talk about Alex's this or that and I wouldn't go on with people about SECupp's face behind her back somehow.  In fact, I am sure of that because people long ago would often try to talk about people in my presence and I wouldn't allow it.  But I sure do seem to be making up for all those years of assininity here on this blog right?  Have NO problem talking about people now do I, even though I know it's wrong?  Hmmf.   Again I apologize but at the same time this blog is kind of for me so try to read these things with a grain of salt.  Thoughts aren't what I would normally say to people and part of the reason I don't just come out and tell who I am is that most of this stuff I wouldn't say out loud. 

Now, another thing that bothered me was that kid that shot 9 people.  I might have gone too easy on him.  I am going to take you back now to a time when I was a volunteer at a church.  I was there all summer working for McDonald's food at night which I didn't expect but that they paid for anyways.  

Because the church was on a highway, we often got drifters.  People who traveled ON the I-10 and what do you know, it's a church, it's time to ask for some charitable work and sustenance before I go back to not caring about people.  Now, this never occurred to me when I was a little boy, which I was at the time.  Well, let's just say I was a teenager.  Because I was a nice boy and all, I was open to many things and one time we got this guy that looked like he didn't have two pennies to rub together.  Here we were, paying for private school at the church and here he was driving us "elite" types around town, usually for the sake of socializing on a certain night.  

It's funny to think back because if I would have realized that right there next to me was a doctor's daughter that if I had asked for his permission to marry her, would have led to an entirely different life for me.  But REALLY, I was too young.  Both me and her and you could say we were all just virgins then with no urges except to be "enough" cool to get along with the other kids that age.  

So this guy is driving us around town and I think he is just the neatest guy.  He is funny but humble but mean-looking in a way that you would not expect from any other person at church.  Sometimes he would hold up his fist at us and if we disrespected him or something he would say "boy, I'd hate to have to ... Break yo face.."  lol.  It's funny even now because he would always smile after.  

Well, one day we go off to this party for other teenagers and lo and behold a whole bunch of them are gathered in the kitchen for some reason.  I thought this was a church event but with kids from other churches and honestly to think back I can't remember why we were so excited whether it was Christmas or some other holiday I can't remember, but they are all gathered in the kitchen and one of the kids has his finger in the lock-cutters and a bunch of other kids are daring this other guy to chop off his finger.  Several minutes later we are running.  ALL of us are hauling butt to the school bus and noone knows why we are leaving but I remember hearing someone say "he's turning pale".  Who WERE those people?  

Still, I think we all kept that a secret that night because we honestly didn't know squat about those people and I just told my mother about it the other day and she didn't know squat about it either from the church people.  

Still, I didn't attribute that whole incident to this guy driving the bus at all because all he did was drive the bus, I thought, but he was kind of responsible for us wasn't he?  

Still another night we all decide to roll paper the doctor's daughter's house.  Everyone knew I kind of liked her but I wonder if she said something sour or I think they just stopped coming out with us or something so he got it in his head that had to "roll" their house.  Now I remember specifically not wanting to do it and I am sure that I don't remember throwing toilet paper on their stuff but I DO remember how pissed everyone was after it happened.  Boy, it was like the Dead Poet Society scene when ALL those guys come rushing in about to get to the bottom of this big scandal.  Everyone that participated(btw, rolling someone's house means throwing toilet paper rolls all over it) was forced to go there and remove the toilet paper.  And as it turned out the toilet paper they THREW up over the tree in the front lawn, could not be removed so their house "looked" nasty until the toilet paper finally disintegrated away.  And that was the last time he was trusted to drive us around and since noone else had all of this "free-time" like he did, we basically didn't go out with the church bus at night like we had been doing.   

I still didn't see what he did that was so wrong.  As a teenager, your eyes are like well he should have been punished for a while but why was this so awful.  I think I can see now why because he was teaching us how to vandalize.  Even if it was harmless vandalism, it was vandalism.  

He's not even the worst guy though.  He was sweet to us through and through.  But there was this OTHER guy that was umm... not so much.  He had these firefighter boots and trappings for clothes and weird looking hair.  The pastor had taken him in and offered him work while he was building his new church but he always had a strained look on his face near this guy.  

While we swept and cleaned as part of volunteering I would often look over at the guy and wonder about him.  What must that be like?  Walking the highway, being homeless, needing food, what's that like?  But then one day he is sitting there among us eating McDonald's with us and he speaks up and says he needs more pay and I look at him like "DUDE you don't even do a good job cleaning."  This part I kept to myself of course.  Still another night I remember him saying I'm going to have to leave unless I get more pay he would say.  Later I remember him saying that he like my friend Danny because he was the one that cared about him and I thought to myself that after the pastor put him up for the night and fed him and gave him work he was still ungrateful for what he had.  

And I remember thinking as I looked at him as he started to feel this hatred for the pastor, that we were all in danger somehow.  It was something I had never felt before and I wondered to myself, why?  

And that's what I think about now when I hear about those 9 people that were shot for taking on someone wild into their fold is that maybe some poor people just can't be shaped.  Maybe it's a lost cause with some people.  In any case, my pastor was one of those that had faith in people and even if he didn't believe in his actions to help the homeless... he still DID HELP the homeless. And that's one lesson for you about me about having faith in people is that it's not about them, it's about you.  In your mind, if you believe yourself charitable, you won't come across as a hypocrite, you will propagate charity as expected and as something people can count on.  

I don't know.  I feel bad for the boy that shot them since he was just a boy and not a LIFER homeless guy like this other person, but at the same time, church people, charitable people, PEOPLE LIKE ME, are the ones that have to suffer first when they treat as normal, people that are perhaps... lost causes.  

PS.  Btw, we spent all day today fixing the mower.  At first wwe thought the belt had come loose but it hadn't.  We took it off.  Put it back on.  Then we bought another one but it seemed to be the same size so we didn't use it.   I went to the computer and printed out a diagram and the manual even showed how to disassemble the mower, the part with the blades from the rest of the engine, so as to replace the belt which was all we could think up was causing the blades not to engage when we tried to engage them.  Every time I would slowly move the lever up to the lock position to engage the blades, something would slip and it seemed like the belt was what was doing it.  But late in the day, and it was a long and hot day in the garage, I saw my father moving the blades on the right.  They made this sound like they weren't greased and it occurred to me that maybe there was resistance there?  I mean those blades have to spin effortlessly and if not maybe there was trouble.  But my dad said, hey look man 18 horsepower man.  There's no way that little bit of resistance was gonna slow down 18 horses, so that kind of made sense.  I am much more forgiving in my old age.  When I was younger I wouldn't even listen to other people because they would always suck.  They would come up with things I had already thought of and it was almost always a waste of time to even listen to other people when it came to problem solving but over time I have learned that I have to ALLOW them to believe that they are helping mostly so they don't begin to act against me.  But you know what, his idea, actually helped and that was that the blade had resistance so I checked the blade on the right and sure enough, those were the blades that I remember got stuck on the root I ran over.  Trying to move THAT blade got it stuck on the side of the cover and to look at it further it seemed that the other side of the blade was bent, so now it seems that all we need is to replace the blade and reassemble to mower and it will be fixed.  Still, I got the impression that my parents think that I knew this all along or that I messed up the mower on purpose.  I didn't.  In any case, it was a very frustrating afternoon/day.  

Safe House

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

The mower is shot.  I ran over a root and it tripped up the mower as it rode over it at an angle and it must have hampered the blade just long enough to make the gear disengage.  After I tried to re-engage the blades they worked less and less and finally the blades would not re-engage at all.  I hope it is just a matter of realigning a gear belt of some sort otherwise we really are going to have a problem cutting the grass.  

I had the whole thing finished too.  All I had to do was cut this little patch around a tree and of course,  riding a mower near a tree, in hindsight, was a bad idea.  

I love it when Ann Coulter, Donald Trump, the President, and SECupp agree on things.  You are probably like WAAAHT?  Well y'all, it occurs to me that Obama is sneaking in his TPP authorization again and this time it is getting passed.  People from "both" sides have agreed on this and shlumpy MSNBC as dropped the ball again.  Why?  

Well, I was saying recently that there are 3 types of people the teachers, the soldiers, and the politicians right?  It's sort of like the SCOTUS, the POTUS, and the politicians... 

So I'm watching Rachel, two days ago I think, and off she goes talking about the flag and how it should be removed temporarily using some "wash-it day" procedure and I am like Huh?!   Who took away my Rachel?  I had half a mind to bend her over that desk and and... hold on it's gonna come to me... ( I know she was just getting emotional for one small second CAN'T you just let her be who she is it's HER SHOW after all, so what if she is putting symbology into politics and bowing to it. )

But it has a lot to do with that flag.  We ALL know that the boy there(21 is no boy but still) was over-heated and pushed into a killing spree.  The President knows it, the Donald knows it, probably Ann thinks it was the immigrants, lol (maybe it was, you heard that female Mexican BOSS plot to kill JFK Jr. right?)but we can all agree that he didn't wake up one day and think THOSE people.  Somewhere out there are a whole lot of black people that pushed him over the edge into a killing spree.  Maybe not even black people since that Senator, being who he was, might have been a target just for being who he was.   But one thing we CAN agree on is that it was a pointless and public spectacle that PROVES that poor people can't be trusted.  White poor people NOR black poor people, can be trusted to behave themselves and live in peace together.  What a bunch of goat-muck, right? 

So what do we do to piss off those poor people MSNBC?  What is a sure-fire method that if we can't inspire the poor at least we can control them, or at least control their betters?  How do we send a message that if you guys suck we are going to go back to globalization and to taking the jobs to people who probably deserve them more... maybe in China?  Why couldn't this white guy find a job and whose fault is that, after Obama has done so much to make poor people's lives easy and healthy?  How do we scroll up the big fat middle one to the locals that didn't want confederate flag "Ricky" to have a job and propagated hate so much that he went ballistic?  

TRADE DEAL.  FAST TRACK.  SECRET TREATY.  F U VERY MUCH!

"We'll take it from here" - Safe House

PS. What do I mean?  I mean I love TPP now.  I love the President and Brennan and the CIA.  I love me a good Scotland why? Because when things stop making sense, they START making sense the "other" way.  

Cake

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

After seeing the movie Cake a second time I got more of the gist to the story.  It was funny at first but then it got more serious.  It's nice to see that plenty of people everywhere experience trauma in some form or another.  

At the end there is this part where she sits up and exhales and this second time watching it I finally understood that the whole time the whole movie was about her denial of her son being dead.  It was about repression.  It resonated with me in a lot of ways.  

She is a great actress.  It's funny because like SarahK she is proof to me that there is STILL somebody good-looking enough with no children that I could STILL maybe get with, to have children, even if those chances are few to none. 

Remember Dumb and Dumber... "so there's a chance?!!!"  lol. 

I was reading recently in the news that some guy flagged down a cop with his arm wrapped in a towel and was then shot 4 times by the feral cop.  What the hell are you doing in law enforcement?  You have to ask yourself that.  If you don't trust your buddies or your community or people asking for help, WHY are you out in public making yourself a target?  Y0u should be holed up in a trailer somewhere or back at the station dispatching or processing forms.  There's plenty of work out there for honest cops that are afraid of people, without giving those cops GUNS.  

How can you expect people to believe in their city when people are getting shot by police?  

Ok, well enough about cops.  They have enough to worry about without suddenly believing people "out there" are against them.  

In other news, I have to decide how to spend my slightly saved up money.  I want to go see a movie since I haven't gone out in a while but I also have some projects I want to get done.  

Ok well not a large story today.  Maybe I will add to it later.  I'm trying to guess the meaning of the title now.  Maybe it's like you can't have your cake and eat it too.  Like since her son was killed she was in mourning seeking attention from everyone and yet while collecting all of this good will from people that were trying to help her recover, she was denying herself the injury.  She was keeping herself sick, perhaps languishing in the pleasure of all the attention.  All this help that was supposed to help her get well, has instead become like a drug.  Something she depends on regularly, instead of something temporary.  She can't have it both ways right?  She can't want to get better and keep everyone around her sad and burdened with her needs, that she should be taking care of herself.  

Maybe this movie is not just a little, like my life right now.  

Oh and that reminds me of the confederate flag.  You can't have your cake and eat it too means you can't tell that youngster that he was wrong about supremacy and take down the flag that is causing all of this mischief, and deny that this guy used that symbolism to commit mass murder.  That somehow in part, this "allowed" racism wasn't a part of his thinking and that he did all of that on his own.  

More importantly, heritage is a huge part of how we continue to exist successfully.  If we allowed Israel to bury everything about the Nazis and say whatever they want about the Nazis, we would actually believe that Hitler was an anti-christ that was just born evil and was propped up by satanists that 'popped" up out of nowhere to railroad him into the dictatorship of the most powerful country in the world.  Is that what we want?  Do we want to believe in "strangely evil" people?  Or do we want reasons, and history, and memorials and the truth? 

Don't allow black people to start up their cause, black power, so that they can check off those boxes that make them something OTHER than fellow citizens.  Don't allow ISRAEL to check off Jews as persecuted and separate from the rest of the world, they are not.  Don't allow a divide.  FOCUS on history... don't destroy it.  

Hold that thought... ok now imagine the Bible is no longer true and is forgotten... there how you feel now, enlightened yes?  Do you feel free of a lot of anguish and pain?  Free of the anguish and pain of a whole lot of people?  They ALL died so that you wouldn't have to.  Remember that.  History is not about plugging your brain with reasons NOT to fight, it's giving you the examples of what happened that CAUSED us to fight.  And those reasons happen over and over, unless we wash it(brainwash it) all clean and now there never was a fight and POOF, fights can't happen... YAY! 

PS. Ok, now the rebuttle.  If there is some secret Freemason/secret- ish society that keeps checking off boxes that make them all reconcile their "whiteness" then drive past the flag to re-assert their belief in that... THEN I want the flag GONE!!! I believe there are plenty of secret societies and these subtle symbols, like the thief marks in Skyrim, are not just slightly backdrops for a cause.  So if they can pull that out of that guy, that he and his family are in some "cause" then it's gotta be stopped.  

This is my least favorite life" is playing in my head now.  It's from True Detective.  I like melancholy shows.  They are like Stain or Nickelback.  They make you think your life is sad and pointless much like alcohol dulls your senses.  All music in nightclubs are like that and like Alanis or like Jen said about Billy Joel... "that's enough honesty" which actually is NOT honesty which was like her life as a lawyer.  In reality, after the show or song is over, you are supposed to quickly go back to being normal.  These "drugs" are supposed to be temporary. 

The Nword

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

I have a picture of Gillian as a shortcut on my wallpaper but no longer AS my wallpaper.  My wallpaper at the moment(atm) is a picture of a jet pilot that is averting a missile that you can see out of his window passing him by.  It reminds me of me... as though I have averted a missile and perhaps maybe a WHOLE LOT of people have averted a missile.  But if you look closer, it looks like he is firing that missile from his own plane which now makes the picture not as amazing as I once thought.  

I just remembered the movie Collateral again.  In the hospital the lady is telling Cruise that Foxx liked to talk to hisself and that "it's unhealthy".  Now, I say that to myself a lot when I do weird stuff that people can see is weird.  For example, I just opened up that shortcut with a big huge picture of Gillian Anderson's face looking up at you from a leaned back position... and it kind of sends you chills.  I mean DAYUM she's good looking.  Of course the picture has her with red hair and now that she sports the blonde, don't ask me why, it's not so good looking to me.  But the picture, hoo, wee.  I kept putting the Task Manager in front of it(since it is always on top) and then removing it, like a sort of Peek-A-Boo, and after a while I was like... "it's unhealthy", lol. 

So Deep Space Nine is getting a lot better fast now that I have engaged the "brand" of their characters.  I still despise Quark but he's not as ODIOUS as he was at first.  Oh and btw Happy Father's Day to every father out there.  We just had a nice two weekends of lauding my father.  We really would have much less things if he weren't there to pick up the slack.  There are times that I wonder if we were always meant to be this family like this the way we are or if we got lucky somewhere along the way because of his persistence.  And the story is not done though for me sometimes it feels like it is.  We have plenty of time to plan for when my parents will be in hospital and I wonder at that but since I don't have a job I don't expect to be able to care for them and yet I feel that despite my many years of suffering at the hands of HATERS, that I perhaps have a lot of suffering left to do once they become old and I am forced to care for them somehow.  

I made the pledge long ago that I would be the one to care for them in their old age and to some degree that has shaped who I have become.  Since that is true, there is no use for me to buy a house of my own for example.  Having my own apartments for several years I realized that I was too domestic be out on my own for example.  My plan, to retire and live a life of leisure at the bar while investing my saved up money has backfired.  After several "ghosts" harassed me for years and made my life at work difficult and then my life at the bar difficult and then my life POST-DUI arrest difficult, I have used up my money and now I feel that I won't be allowed to earn any more of it.  But more than that, I feel that I don't have the energy to look for work.  Several check boxes that I need to fill, like a new computer and resume and word processor and perhaps CAR are many months away from being fulfilled.  I have to BELIEVE also that those efforts will be rewarded and at the moment, indeed for some time, I have felt that they would not be rewarded.  

Fact is, I have wanted to feel free since that movie came out, umm, I forgot the name of it with Zac Snyder and Emily(?) Browning or something or other.  It had such awesome music and wonderful themes that it made it seem like I was living the movie while I was watching it.  It was unreal.   

Well, nothing coherent to talk about today I guess.  I watched a Life of Crime and tried to find Jennifer Prediger in it but couldn't.  I got to the end of it and it was boring but suddenly I realized that this movie was also sort of like my life where I was asleep and a whole bunch of troglodytes are all buzzing around trying to take my money or THE money any way they know how.  I guess it's better not to have any money.  

I remember my atm card sometimes having odd transactions on it and wondering if I actually made all of those withdrawals.  Later, I guess I have said this already, my phone got used up for $100 even though I didn't make any calls and when I called up to complain months later after not using the phone for months, they didn't have the records that far back which is sort of like what happened to my unemployment checks eligibility.  I waited too long and now I can't get them and didn't get them.  

It's strange about Twitter.  I wonder about cursing on it since it is a public communications device and therefore I wonder about whether people should ALL be allowed to curse on it or if everyone should have that restricted.  

Someone had said that the President was weak and I took offense to that and tweeted out my own "relevant" statement with the appropriate expletive attached.  So if I am guilty of insult, it was a response to an insult.  

The President used Nigger also recently in a radio show.  The whole idea of a forbidden word, is anti-American.  Surely saying such and such is THIS or such and such is THAT is plenty insulting without making the use of a "forbidden word" mean curtains for people.  I can say this guy acts like a nigger and he might not be black.  In fact, you might think to yourself that ME and myself act like a nigger for not putting some people in JAIL that deserve it... lol, so there.  That doesn't make me black or even imply that I am black, it means that I won't rise up despite some ridiculous contract that compels me to work for someone else when I would rather not.  And pointedly, nigger CAN be used to offend someone even if they are not present.  Such and such is a nigger PLAINLY tells you I am insulting him and that use of it should be forbidden or COST something but that's because it is hatred.  I DESPISE said person and instead of spelling out what I dislike about him, I just pour a little bit of hatred into someone else's head.  

That's the part that should be rendered in a court somewhere.  I don't pass around my day talking about others, except maybe my ex-brother-in-law who cheated on my sister with my cousin, because then my heart would not want to build.  Even so, when I "try" to talk about him, it feels wrong because in fact I don't reserve hatred for him.  He took good care of my sister and he provided so many people with so much for so little, that it feels like we got a good deal for what we paid when it comes to him.  And I have to say, that falling for women who throw themselves at you... I can resemble that remark.  I wouldn't like it to happen to me and my wife but I would understand it if it did because ... well because it happened to me before and the LAW expects you to understand it... or go to jail.  

You can't choose for others.  

Ok so enough odd thoughts for today.  Nword aside and Sword aside, we have got a lot done recently.  For some reason my spine is beginning to twist to one side, maybe because I lean to the right on my chair or maybe because I lean up to the right when I watch TV from the bed but... "it's un-healthy."

Ancient problems

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

War is a temporary thing.  I have mentioned this before that wars should be short like an exploding of fireworks but there's more to that.  Soldiers are dark individuals.  Their jobs are contrary to those of teachers.  Teachers think.  Politicians think less.  Soldiers don't think.  It's something that Patricles said in the movie Troy.  He was talking to Achilles and wondering why he was in disagreement with Agammemnon who like most politicians, have half of their heart with the people, the other half in what he can take.  And that leads me to another movie, 300, where the King says before the battle, "give them nothing, but take from them, everything!" Soldiers are the ultimate takers.  Their jobs are NOT to think about what is right or what path to go on or how best to position everyone.  Their jobs are to explode things.  Their jobs are to "hammer" nails.  

Soldiers obey.  

That's what Patricles said to Achilles who was bereft and confused because he was halfway from ceasing being a soldier to becoming a politician or maybe a philosopher/teacher.  But um, "never the Twain shall meet" as the old saying goes, because soldiers are NOT good politicians.  They become great politicians perhaps but then that makes them not very good soldiers.  

I am thinking of McCain at this point.  You might even want to think about Colin Powell maybe.  

Bergdahl for example, is the result of a long war.  Deserters are the result of a long war.  I'm not saying he deserted or not, I'm saying there's more time to think about what you are doing after months in a hole.  And instead of piping out that ammo and exploding this or that base and then the next, time to think makes you wonder WHY it's taking so long to find the next base that you should be exploding.  

It's not hard.  

And that's what regular Americans should be worried about is a complicated war.  Because there is NO complicatedness in war.  We go, we take it over, we put our leaders in, set up a base, wait for people to get tired of us being there, then we leave.  Anything less than that, is politicians trying to take.  

War is by nature a lack of order.  Sometimes it is said that "war is a necessity".  That's a lie.  Lying is war.  If someone is attacking you, you lie.  Leaders lie.  The victims lie.  All truth is lost in war.  War is hell.  

That's why it must be short, it must be as clear as possible, and everyone should be getting promoted and pregnant... because you either lived or died but it is soon over.  Anything less than that, like say Syria, or Israel, or Iraq... is people in charge of FLINGING other people's asses into a pit.  That's right!  Anything "organized" about war is pure human sacrifice.  The only thing left to do is to dig a hole and have everyone LOOK at the bodies to make them feel bad because anything less is as big a LIE as you can imagine.  

Ok, so you see how I'm not caring about war.  

The civil war was like this.  A long drawn out war meant to stop slavery.  It's not clear why they were fighting however until you "empathize".  Why couldn't the Southerners SEE that slavery was wrong?  Well, for the same reason people today can't see that drugs, that buying drugs, that allowing the money that is made from buying drugs to go into Mexico and other countries... is wrong.  They allowed slavery to go on for so LONG that the people making money from it "claimed" it was right much like is happening now with illegal aliens.  The same thing is happening now with drugs.  People EVERYWHERE are just understanding it less and less and legalizing it and progressing towards a day when it's legal everywhere.  But we still need to be prescribing it right?  WAY BACK HERE is what normal is.  We still might allow people to grow their own medicine/pot and maybe make their own beer and yet we need to make it to where it is safe.  Why couldn't they do that to slavery?  Why couldn't we just give slaves a maximum of 20 years service(one generation) then make it 10 years then make it a 1 year max per slave per owner then simply progress it to a money thing where each slave could one day pay themselves out?  Why?  Because southern rich people "claimed" it had become too normal.  

The same thing is happening to drugs.  The same thing is happening to illegal immigrants.  The country is becoming unraveled. It sounds like a crisis but it's happened before.

Unlike gay people wanting to get married, these are ancient problems, lol.  There has always been alcohol and drunkeness.  There has always been a "horde" of refugees outside of every civilized city or state that eventually plots to plunder the city rather than grow their own.  There has perhaps always been gayness.  But how to deal with them, is written in history, over and over, and what we can expect is more of the same.  

So what should we do? 

Well, the answer to all of our problems is to understand it, publicly(aka. Twitter/Facebook), not letting politicians do a soldiers' work, by trying to "diplomatically" solve wars, not letting teachers do a soldiers' work by philosophizing IF war is needed, and not letting soldiers do a politicians' or a teachers' job by keeping them out there too long.  

If we get attacked, POOF, war's over, what the hell just happened and how much did it cost?  That's what war should be, not "can we USE this somehow?"

That's why I like Jeb Bush.  It has mostly a lot to do with my father who I devote myself to since... well, it doesn't matter; who's in charge matters and whether he can successfully lie to us MORE than half the time matters and I doubt Jeb can do that.  In fact, part of me romanticizes the part about his "stain of blood" that he perhaps needs to wash clean perhaps by WASHING out some leaders that seriously need washing.  Remember that episode on TNG?  Picard has to stop the Cardassians from taking over a human camp early before they they are allowed to leave.  The humans refuse to leave however and soon after, the humans spy them and find out that their intention is to forcibly remove the humans if they don't leave.  So the humans confront the Cardassians and they tell Picard to find a way to allow them to stay, despite a treaty that makes the land Cardassian land.  Soon after, a small little war breaks out.  

Picard is told by one of the humans' elders that he has a "stain of blood" because another Picard, an ancestor, was responsible for removing FORCIBLY another society, an Indian society, from land that was theirs.  

It's one of my favorite episodes because in that episode I am Wesley.  I am trying to stop ALL WARS and to do that he freezes time, much like a Meteor would do, and he has to decide if he will start time again.  I can still remember my heart breaking that first time I saw this scene, wishing that war would not be necessary, wishing people could work things out diplomatically.  

But the voice of his Wesley's elder soon walks in and reveals himself to be the traveler and then explains things.  War happens.  People must be allowed to respond how each of them see fit.  It's called freedom.  You can't choose for others.  It's wrong, but it's right.  

Soon Wesley starts up time again; a bunch of people are stunned and phaser-burned; and, over the next couple of days, people AGREE to be slaves just for the sake of staying where they are... 

recurring theme yeah?  

So don't think that the confederate flag needs to be taken down.  The war was about money.  These people lost and were allowed to keep their colors and pride.  These families, with money if you notice, despite their losses were allowed to maintain their pride.  One youngster's rantings about supremacy doesn't rewrite history.  In fact, the flag serves as a reminder of history and if WE(part of the country that doesn't live there meaning US and not them, right?) all aren't going to live there, well, we have about as much right to pull that flag as we have pulling out the flag of Japan.  

PS. Oh and one more thing(arrgh, one word mispelled).  Journalists are the nemesis of politicians.  Politicians think half of the time then take.  Journalists do the same thing, but like as a reflection of what politicians do.  In reality, journalists perhaps need to have a more official standing in government, not just a shame feature like Brian Williams, but more serious aftershocks for lying to the public, if they are to be sufficient to the cause of keeping politicians honest.  Hmmf, that sounds weird and I'm sure it's a bad idea but there it is.  Maybe the media should work for law enforcement, perhaps even sources and "anonymous" people who point out criminals engaged in ongoing illegality could have a spot out there officially where journalists are not SPIED on by government.  Well, they should be spied on, but not harassed is all I'm saying.  What?  They're the same thing?  Who knew? 

Hall pass

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Last night I dreamt of Rachel.  And no it's not what you might think.  Actually you could say that I just woke up from a dream I was having with her in it.  I start out in a classroom with her at the front and it's a very important test and the people taking it are on the left side of the room.  The people on the right don't have to take it.  My desk is somewhere in the middle of those rows on the left and I remember getting to class on time.  But I have to hurry right up and do something important with the people on the right... I think.  Or maybe I go off and have another part of the dream at this point that I can't remember now.  In any case, at the end here with me about to wake up I get that feeling I used to get LONG ago about being late for work.  You know the one: you are late for work, it's YOUR fault, but you are still dashing like mad trying to get there on time.  Well, I make it back to class, with some sense of accomplishment, and see my desk empty there, with my blank test laying there and for some reason I sit down and ponder at it, wondering whether I should even take the test at this point.  

Rachel walks over, doesn't really look at me, picks up the test, and points to the name portion of it.  

Yeah, I think to myself, I at least had better put my name on it.  I check the clock and out of an hour I have 10 minutes left, 20 if I skip going to the next class and use the 10 minutes they give me to get to the next class. 

Make it hard

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

Amadeus Amadeus...Ah-ma-DEUS.

Well, as you might guess, Amadeus was not particularly liked by his peers, and he probably got to have a lot more sex than he was supposed to have and he probably didn't die of old age, despite people thinking that maybe he might.  

In truth, most of what is best about humanity is that people can become excellent either with the help of others or with the help of noone.  It's all about contracts.  You know, my intellect is starting to falter.  I used to say incredibly insightful things and now I feel it slipping.  I get the impression, perhaps from TV, that I am no longer inspiring people.  It's nice that I don't have the daily disturbances that I used to but it also seems that I have crossed over into an era where I am just supposed to go back to work... as though I could just forget all that happened and not warn people of it.  And if I DO go back to work, would I be safe to conduct business without annoyance?  I can't even get to the gas station sometimes without annoyance.  And the worst part is wondering if anyone even noticed that I took a blow for the team, that I suffered so that others would not have to?  

It reminds me of that part in Edge of Tomorrow, where Tom Cruise is at the bar, they're asking him if he should be out there fighting, he says that he's usually "dead by now" and laughs... and for that he gets called a COWARD.  

Somewhere out there there is someone that thinks I got what I deserved... perhaps a whole lot of people... and perhaps still many others think I deserve more punishment but WAY BACK HERE is what I deserve.   They are all mistaken.  Any wrongs I have EVER done were responses and not the acts of an addict, or of someone who enjoys attacking.  

Hmmf. 

I still ponder about my physical condition.  Since ceasing from work I can scarcely move a couch without getting winded.  I need to work out some.  In a similar vein, I have to get ready to do office work intellectually.  I have to first get enough RAM to handle Windows 7 then I have to buy the program then I have to buy Office and THEN, after mastering it, can I say I am adept at office work again.  

You can probably tell I do this alot.  Especially when it comes to women.  I put the things I need to accomplish, like losing weight, saving up enough money, visiting Disneyland or whatever amazing dating spot I think I will take her on, and then I just stand up... and sit down.  

It's sort of the same thing with friends.  I impress them, and then I anger them, then they get I dunno, scared for some reason.  I don't like long-term friends.  It makes me uncomfortable to be duo-friendly with some people and use them for the sake of finding a girl... that I am THEN going to replace them with.  It's hypocrisy.  Still, I expect them to help sell me to someone great and after say FIVE YEARS... I might get tired of those useless friends.  

Of course maybe they all do whores in which case that makes ME the idiot that can't see the nose in front of his face.  

Well, now that I have spent plenty of time alone, I guess it's time to try something new this time, like NO friends.  Of course, the first thing that is going to happen is I am going to appear anti-social and there go my chances of replacing my friends with a love interest.  

I know, I make it so hard.  

Remember your sword

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

So today I am writing about watching Deep Space 9 and what a flop right?  You take something holy and pristine like Star Trek: The Next Generation(TNG) and put your finger right in the middle of it and mess it up for the religious types.  What do I mean?  Well, some people liked to watch TNG so as to get a clue as to what the world would look like if it was better and if so maybe how to take some of those cues and apply them today. 

But first thing DS9 does is put a danged Ferengi in there as though certifying that there will always be a mafia... even in deep space and perhaps maybe a whole planet of mafia that somehow has not exterminated itself.  Disgusting.  Still, after FORCING myself to watch 5 episodes, I am slowly just letting them play until the story lines start to make sense and the characters start to offend me less.  Whose idea was it to put an angry black man in charge btw who is completely gentle with his son which makes the whole character more or less unbelievable?  Meh.  In time I expect he will or maybe his character will, get the experiences(like maybe with the Borg) that make him a real person or leader and not this Wabbajack that he is now.   

Moreover though, today's episode, In the hands of the Prophets, made me think about my life again.  I am meant to be someone of significance.  And because of that I must continue to learn if only to serve at some future date.  And to that end I must understand everything and if not, well then as much as possible.  In this episode, the prophet of the Bajorans was killed and the planet was looking for a new "pope" as it were.  The slightly militaristic best candidate shows up at the station and objects to the teachings of the wormhole as a scientific construction rather than something placed there "by the Gods" as the Bajorans' religion teaches them.  So it's a clash of culture vs. cloture. 

There is a lot to be learned from this episode because everywhere you go, you will be faced with a culture and if you are not careful you will be faced with an onslaught of perhaps "new" cultures that want to interpose themselves between you and what you personally believe.  

For example, in Businesscard, we had a nice full set of experienced associates working there.  We made the same pay as other associates but because we were serving business customers we sort of had the best of the best associates working there because the job had to be applied for by already existing associates rather than people off the street.  Now fast forward to we hire some people off the street and they come into our area and first thing that happens is people start to have their items from the break room stolen, namely their food.  The old culture would make stealing illegal but who's gonna see you eating someone else's food but the person who's food it is, right?  And it's very unlikely that person is going to be coincidentally on break when you are.  And it doesn't help matters that people off the street, before they have that nice regular paycheck start to normalize their lives, might have a tough time paying the rent, finding transportation, or even paying for their daily meals.  New culture right?  Now, we have to "guard" what we put in the fridge even though we didn't have to previously.  

But more than that is the notion that we have to start deciding which culture is right.  Obviously the previous culture where everyone trusts each other not to take someone else's food, is the right philosophy but if people are starving... well, NO philosophy is right if people are hungry.  That's the definition of no philosophy is "people are hungry".  

Similarly, in the episode the prophet candidate ACTS against the favored candidate by sending her kamikaze helper to kill him.  See, you are done being a preacher once you have ACTED against one of your own.  Your religion, your belief, your goodwill... all of that is OVER once you have attacked someone.  You can't be a leader once your philosophy is "we are against this here type of people".  She showed that in the episode.  ISIL is showing that to the world but maybe we are showing that too.  Once we break our own rules we don't have a set of laws.  We don't have a country.  It's important to note that and act to replace leaders that lose sight of that, or at least replace the ones that "give in" to animalism, to addiction, to LIKING war.  War is sometimes necessary but it should not be a choice, it must be a response.  

This is what religion is, it's a sword.  A word tells the past, an s-word tells the future. What does a sword do?  It cuts.  It DIVIDES.  It judges.  This is what the S stands for in Superman.  He cuts.  He breaks the cycle.  You take an O, then split it, then flip half of it down and you get an S.  Superman is Republican Jesus.  Superman is an avenger, something less than a prophet something more than a man.  An angel.  A cause.  

Religions should be chosen for the sake of giving yourself a defense against cultures.  When you take up a gun, your intention is not to use the gun because if so, that is indicative of ferality.  But you should address the gun, understand the gun, and choose a gun.  It's only absent of a purpose that we can choose the best one for us.  So it is that you should understand weapons, understand that your home deserves a defense, and you should choose to defend it by equipping it with a weapon... for defense.  

Similarly, a religion is a weapon.  It's only absent of religion that you can see that maybe the world is better off without religion, like guns.  Maybe it's better not to have pointed discussions about belief that point to things ethereal and sublime.  But it feels better to have it doesn't it?  And you are quite defenseless to people that have it.  Demons from the bar can show up to hate you periodically and, if you are alone, you will face those demons alone.  You mustn't.  You must choose... and choose wisely.  People from the bar have their own code, their own culture, their own religion, right?  

If you ever go out on "service industry night" you will see a bunch of people following a culture that is perhaps not the culture of other types of people.  

They say this in Destiny once and philosophical moments shake me to my soul when they happen and it happened in the game.  

The girl said, "a side should always be taken, little light, even if it's the wrong side".  

I have always been one not to pick a side, but you and we should all pick a gang, pick a religion, pick a mafia, and have it subsist under the country we have built or that was built FOR us.  By this I mean our groups must be a SUBSET of the country.  Your group's teachings and its "ten commandments", if you will, must be a SUBSET of the Constitution... because if you are alone, you and your immediate friends without religion, are easy pickings for such that would impose their beliefs above your non-beliefs and call you and yours... CHAOTIC.  

Remember your sword.  

Sarah goes hunting

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

I often used to play in FFXI using the bots for Ayame and Joachim to portray SarahK and Michaelshuh, lol.  It used to calm my nerves to think that maybe, just maybe, she was out there looking out for me in her own way.  On the other hand, maybe she just likes to hunt.  Here is her picture, no not the elephant this time, of her kicking ass and taking names as a samurai, using Tachi: Gekko.  

Tachi: Gekko is a quite famous move for samurais since they use it to start or end the Light skillchain, if I remember.  And true to form Michael's character looks like a pirate but is only in fact a bard, which makes him sort of like ME.  

Except that I am the "one who is many", like the story goes when the avatars speak to you after killing their half-breed 65 level version of themselves.  

I am having difficulty again with pictures and I wonder at how many hands are out there dipping into my personal stuff and rearranging it.  I never used to have problems and now problems again.  I can't put pictures up like I used to.  Today I seemed to work it fine though.  

In other news, I am noticing the races heating up for President so I am watching MSNBC intently again.  Hopefully they don't SCREW it up like they did in the mid-terms.  I wish I could watch Fox news though so that I could get their perspective but meh.  

I also am out of Bill Maher for now.  We can't afford HBO guys, and we also can't afford $150/month to pay for the channels.  This especially since the main TV is broke and it is sort of lame to have nice cable channels with the main TV broke.   

When the repair man came out to fix it, I had faith that he would do a good job so my father asked me if I thought it was worth the 2k to repair it and I thought yes... but it was stupid.  The TV eventually broke again despite his repair.  We should have just bought a new TV.  But more than that I thought to myself that they might be sending a message to me to not try and repair every old thing that we owned.  

It might be a message to me to leave my old "friends" alone.  Who knows.  

What I CAN say is that I am enjoying playing Destiny again.  It is mind-numbing and slow but once I get a purpose down like leveling up a weapon, or finishing up a set of missions, or just biding my time in crucible, I can sit there and watch TV and half-ass most of the time in the game and get my sideshow fare from just participating.  Sometimes if I am in the mood I will put the sound in but I really often don't bother with the sound.  

When I am in the tower, people like to run up behind people as a hunter and engage their invisibility.  Normally, the music is playing, the air is blowing, you are staring out at the expanse for a moment, then thinking of what to do next as you move in the city from vendor to vendor maybe.  As you go into the menus the music and effects sort of put you at ease until... ZAP! 

Someone turns their FREAKING invisible on and interrupts your peace.  Why did they put that in the game?  Worse thing is they don't even have to do it intentionally.  They just squat down as the Bladedancer and the danged thing turns on, then wears off, then turn on again, then off... zap zap zap zap zap annoying the crap out of everyone that thinks "hey, that's annoying." 

So the sound goes off... millions of dollars spent on just the right music and OFF with the sound... what a waste.  

Let's see, what else.  Oh I guess I like Jeb Bush.  I don't like his name so much but that doesn't mean anything really, does it?  I mean it's not like Dick Cheney is going to be nominated to anything right?  And if so, it's not like he SHOT someone right?  And more importantly I think that he should just listen to the lessons of his brother now and perhaps do it better maybe.  Wait, what's that water thing they were doing in Chile?  Who cares.  It's just privatizing water... everybody does it, lol.  

Well, if the world is mad, then I count myself guilty by association.  You know what I just learned is that that broadcaster that interviewed Barbara Bush was such a spitting image of her father that I thought to myself DANG, that's where they get that whole bloodline thing from when it comes to royalty because GW isn't that good looking in my opinion as a guy but WOW, you sure do recognize his features on his daughter and I have to wonder if there is something of those features on the whole family.  So there we have something to wonder about is whether it's better to have the features of your child be more like your family, like brown eyed and brown haired and with features that look like me, or to have a better looking wife and have them look more like perhaps HER family.  

Ok well, so enough banter for today.  As you can see, no ground breaking philosophical moments have occurred recently so I sort of chatting instead of organizing anything meaningful.  

I did notice one thing recently and that is that I was always meant to be a political figure I believe.  I have spent a great deal of my time in distress, either at McDonald's which was high-stress, or on the phones which was high-stress, or here at home fighting off the ghosts from the bar that have haunted me since my arrest for DUI.

Clearly, I was meant to be someone at the center of something, now I just need to find out what.  

A brunette is well met

BLM WHM SMN SCH THF RNG BRD MNK WAR DRK PLD > 99

So I was watching this commercial and it was all about Alleve and I wonder to myself why this good looking red-head would need pain medicine.  Later on I think to myself about something that my BFF said once about royalty among the Irish.  His family is Irish or from Irish descent so I took what he said at face-value.  He said that people like US, that have brown eyes and brown hair, were considered royalty and that people of red-headed and blue eyed descent were considered a slave class.  

This of course sounds foolish but it makes you wonder at ALL races and if this has always existed this "separation" of types.  Both of those are white races right?  How can we have a divide of white races?

But it also makes me wonder at my family because it is FILLED with good looking people.  And I would be ashamed to say that I would marry my cousins... IF they weren't most of them SO good looking.... lol.  But let's take a step back a moment before and if I get to the lewd portion of my story.  

Why am I not so attracted to them?  I mean there is something in my bones that just doesn't sit right about the thought of dating them. Why?  And why am I so excited about blue-eyed people?  I mean I love me a nice Alex and Rachel that have wonderful wit and vivacious personalities, but why the OMG when I look at SE Cupp?  Maybe because her voice is EXACTLY the voice of Scarlett Johanssen from the movie Her?  I'm not saying you should watch the movie and think of SECupp half the time... not saying that(I'm also not suggesting she should maybe voice a sequel that has the ACTUAL SECupp as a more refined less-wild counterpart to Johanssen).   Or maybe her fantastical features make you wonder if you could follow her around all day long.  But why the attraction to these when I barely know them and why the differences?  

Today, 06/09/15, I was watching Let's Make a Deal and I saw this lady up there with red hair and blue eyes and she was like WOW good-looking and the host was like where's your husband and there he was pointing back and I was like "how".

HOW?! 

But then later she is like choosing from the two hosts in a dating game spoof and she picks "ElGato" which turns out to be Wayne who turns out to have a Zonk curtain and for a moment, after having chosen the Zonk, and as she rode around in a Zonk golf cart with a black man in front of her husband in the audience in front of national TV I realized... omg "philosophical moment" and I got this out of it... 

"it's all about the ride."  

But, still later I was thinking back about that commercial with Alleve, you know the one with that other lady that looks very much like Bryce Dallas Howard and makes you wonder at a couple of ways maybe YOU could cure her of her pain.  

Of course, looking back at that you might also wonder what it's like to live with a GREAT looking girl that doesn't like sex... it might just be the definition of hell... 

Long ago I was with such a girl and I didn't mind relaying it to my Dad.  He is wondering perhaps how I turned out to be such a freak perhaps so I explained to him that I once liked sex a whole lot.  I was once living with a girl and we were having sex like daily.  I was like 19 or so and the last thing on my mind was HER needs.  Eventually, fast forward to I love me some sex in the mornings and fast forward to she likes it too... then she DOESN'T like it too.  Soon after that we start having problems. Other problems too, right? But mostly they stem from now I gotta wait till she feels like it, instead of we do it whenever I want.  So I fix this by fattening up.  I was in great shape at the time and I was quite the body builder in my own way, and further I just liked to run.  I could run 3 miles in 18 minutes, don't ask why... 

But I was in the best shape of my life and being in bed with a restaurant manager was perhaps the best a man could ask for sex-wise because she seemed to like having it all the time.  And then she fell behind.  Eventually though I made up for that fact by fattening up.  I happened to love eating but I also loved looking at myself in the mirror so, being the perfectionist I was, I tried to be the best and my solution to this dilemna was to fatten up and sacrifice myself rather than demand that she lose weight.  I let this go so much that people started talking.  It was a McDonald's after all and we were already the talk of the town.  It's amazing to me the amount of women I could have slept with back then... SO MANY WOMEN, but I was loyal to this girl.. despite the fact that she was someone's wife.  But remember that she was also being cheated on by her husband and further he was involved in a whole lot of other business that well... it's best we not shine a LIGHT on "the funny past of 20 somethings".  

So I am catching up to her diminished libido and soon, since she is losing weight at the same time apparently feeling guilty that I had to gain weight, we are back to having sex all the time... well a lot of the time... and that's ok because getting caught having sex at work and at the racetrack or in the cooler, or in the car, was really TOO much sex going on.  Fact is, I was thinking about it all the time and BOY was I thinking about it with a whole lot of other girls too but meh, I was fatter now.  People would say I was pussy-whipped... whatever that means... and that I was doing whatever she said.  Fact is, I was the dominant one in the relationship.  I worked 40 hours a week and played video games on my hours off and gave her my paycheck.  She worked 50 hours a week, had 2 kids and hauled butt all around town taking them to sitters and didn't have time for sex for some reason, lol.  

Well this story has a sad ending, but wait what happens during our second wind? So we start having sex all of the time again, I start losing weight and looking good again, and I start to look at other women and she starts to not want sex again.  Well now it's time to move the Nintendo to the bedroom...

Terrible idea, right?  Every time she says no it's time to click on that power button.  

Don't ask me why but a short time later, she gets jealous of the video game.  How?  Don't ask me how but soon we are having sex all of the time again.  All I have to do is click that bad boy on and she is like "what just happened OMG let's have sex".  

Jump! For my love, jump in... 

Yep, even the Pointer Sisters would have been proud.  So I recommend this to every guy out there to fix your marriage.  But the story doesn't end there.  Soon we go back to me getting tired of her and she is wanting me to get married maybe or something more I guess and we have a disagreement about sex.  I apparently asked to have it much too much once and I had to go without for more than a week.

Hey that was a LOT back then! 

So I make up my mind that I am going to do that BACK to her.  So I wait for horny week.  What's horny week you ask?  Well, that's the week right before she is going to have her period.  For some reason she "needs" it then and that's just when I decide to have myself a little "fever" and lo and behold a week goes by... then two and suddenly the relationship isn't working out.  

Well, at that point the relationship got worse and eventually we got back together but suffice it to say she had bad memories of me getting angry and I had bad memories of her in bed with another guy.   

Yeah, I couldn't imagine myself ever getting back up to that pitch again but it's a nice memory of a time when I was lighting that candle several times a week... and it's a nice memory.   

Oh yeah, so brunettes, yeah so I now think of Rachel and wonder what kind of children we might have.  You see, in your old age, especially if you were once arrogant like me, you want your children to come out looking like you.  If I got with Alex they might come out sort of Asian maybe or if I got with SECupp they might come out red-headed and I might not want that.  

But there is one more thing I want you to take away from this experience of mine is that, no matter who you live with and have sex with... over time... you will come to need them.  Your mind will "imprint" on their faces.  And as much time as you spent being WITH them... is how much time you will need alone or with nothing people(have I mentioned what it's like to jack off with people?) until you are ready to start being with someone new that matters.  

So if you were married 10 years, expect to it take 10 years to be rid of those memories.  It's all 50/50.  People hate you as much as you hate them.  They need you IF you need them.  If you feel anything... it's because someone put that there.   Everything has a reason.  

What else?  Hmm.  Well I guess that's all for today.  I was going to go into my experience with my second girlfriend that for some reason ALSO has blue eyes that is the spitting image of Christina Hendricks whose commercial kind of spooks me out because... well... I used to wake up to that face every morning, but I guess we will skip a long tirade of my  breakup with HER.  

Oh and one more thing, I was going to say that people that look like you tend to have children that look like your family and if you have a big family you might like that they look like each other but on the other hand if you like WILD or STRANGE well then expect to have children that look that way but trust me that children will always be welcome and your demeanor towards them always be one of enchantment.  

Still I wonder about a nobility.  Would it be better for cities to be different races so that the best of each race were taken advantage of?  Or is it better to just have a swath of mixed people all mixed up on Earth without any of the advantages, taken advantage of?  

I have a Titan on Destiny whose face I chose because I imagined mine and SarahK's son all grown up.  I look at him and wonder about the life that could have been sometimes.  Half the fun of that game(after you get to max level) is dressing him up and changing the shaders to make him look tough and awesome and I don't know, righteous in some way.  It's fun to look in the mirror... 

It's fun to look into the mirror of a nothing.  

PS. Honest people are pushy, so forgive me if I am pushy, I do not intend offense.  Yay, no spell check errors today! 

Oh and btw, a few thoughts about Caitlynn Jenner and a few thoughts about being who he was, being the athlete who he was, whether he got enough sex... if he was like me, I'm guessing no... ok, that's enough thoughts.